Dealing with people

"You cannot control the way in which people around you behave, but what you can control is your reaction to it."
[Definitely stated by someone before me :)]

There are two ways in which you can deal with people, the reactive and the proactive way.

At one extreme, domineering people tend to be proactive in their dealings, they don't usually take any form of feedback and deal with people and situations in a manner that they deem best.

At the other extreme are highly oppressed people who behave in the most obsequious way; being completely reactive in their way of dealing with people and situations.

I feel most "balanced" people fit in a zone between these two extremes. The obvious question that comes to my mind is where do i fit in?

After a lot of introspection i have come to a conclusion on the position that i would like to take in my life. 

While dealing with the people i care about - my family, my friends - i would like to have a higher fraction of reactive responses than proactive resposes ... i want to listen to them, react to what they have to say, or feel, get proactive only when required. This is an extremely difficult objective to achieve (been trying it for a few weeks ...it is quite a daunting task to achieve the ideal that i have stated). I like to believe that i have a large amount of patience when i deal with people and situations, but now i realize that i have to have a lot more patience than what i believe i have had. There has to be an inner calm, a tranquil place that exists within my psyche that enables this kind of an approach.

At a professional level i want to have a balanced approach, a one is to one split between the reactive and proactive responses. Alongside the inner tranquility for my calm reactive nature i need to have a raging inferno for a fiery proactive response. This will serve me well in the long run provided i use the right combination of responses in my professional dealings. I might need to be a reactive inferno at times and at times be a calm proactive element!

It is not easy to be "balanced" in this sense, yet i have to work hard to achieve the right blend in my response to the situations and people that life throws at me!

Happiness and Unhappiness!

Phew ... I am recuperating from a fever after more than a year of good health!!!

I guess it was expected ... the stress and excitement of the past few months. The stress of managing relationships (not necessarily painful! happy relationships could also cause stress!!!!) and professional commitments, the excitement of knowing that i am entering the most critical phase of my career with an admit in the PGSEM course at IIMB.

Or perhaps the cause is just my foolish attitude to stay on at the IIM campus, not sleep till the early hours of morn and get drenched in the first monsoon showers without a care in the world ... Damn it, tis a don't care, what matters is that I managed to get a good two and a half days of rest and sleep, something that my body needed real bad.

Professionally i find my work as fulfilling as it was, everyday presents a new opportunity for me to expand my horizons, learn new things and influence people around me. Given the context of my professional life, the PGSEM course at IIMB should fit in with ease. Volunteer work continues to keep my mind sharp; my continuing association with Janaagraha on CAP and WISA programs, and the start of a new season with the TI India Foundation on the Jack Kilby science and technology quiz 2008 - things that i look forward to.

As always a fever brings about a period of uncontrolled thoughts, the mind races along vectors that the conscious would otherwise normally mask. A lot of thoughts crossed my mind about the women i have loved, the women who have loved me, and the expectations i have had from them and myself in the context of the relationship we have shared; expectations that are fulfilled and unfulfilled. Thoughts of whether i am truly happy, truly sad or just pretending to be both and feeling neither...

I have come to accept the fact that the root cause of unhappiness in relationships are unfulfilled expectations. From my personal experiences i have realized, what makes me unhappy, angry and frustrated is all those expectations that I have had (probably have!) that were never fulfilled. Instead of focusing on what made me happy in the relationship, i focus on what made me sad, angry and frustrated.

Not anymore, no more expectations of any kind in a relationship. I am happy living the way i want to live without setting up these expectations. The only reason i should be unhappy is if i don't live up to expectations that I set for myself. Looking back at my life and relationships I have shared, I think in every relationship of mine I have met or exceeded the expectations that i have set of me! I should be overjoyed! And yet there is something fundamentally wrong in living only by my expectations. What if the other person is totally unhappy inspite of no wrong doing on my part?

Hmmm ... relationships are complex things, I am setting a new metric to measure my happiness and satisfaction in a relationship. As long as I make the other person happy in every way possible to the best of my ability I will consider my part in the relationship to be consummated. To this end i will give without expecting anything in return.

I feel at peace with myself, a long period of thinking has culminated in this new direction that i set for myself, whether it is right or flawed, only time will tell!

For now it seems to be the path that has kept me happy in the recent past. I have been truly happy for most part of the last four weeks! I intend to be happy, happier, happiest (if possible) and spread the joy ... to quote St. Francis of Assisi ... "For it is in giving that we receive ..."

BMTC bus rides!

Its been five years since i bought my bike and thus ended my dependence on the public transport system. Other than one or two occasional rides on a BMTC bus between two or three stops, i have not tested the public transport system of Bangalore for the above mentioned period.

All of this changed early this week when i had to leave my (beloved Fiat Palio 1.6 sport :D !) car for it regular servicing at the service station that is at the other end of the city as compared to my office. The service adviser was kind enough to drop me at the nearest bus stop with the following words "you will easily get an auto to your office from here sir".

As i walked towards an empty auto close by, something snapped inside my mind, in a split second the decision was taken, no auto for this ride back, it was going to be good ol' BMTC's bus ride for me. And to as if to prove a point, at that very instant a partially empty BMTC bus drew up alongside the bus shelter. No looking back, two connecting buses and 90 minutes later i was in my office after a ride that was not half as bumpy and stressful as an auto ride!

Speaking of BMTC (bangalore metropolitan transport corporation) , this urban transport body or Bangalore city has improved by leaps and bounds. When i was in school i remember traveling by BMTC buses and dreading the entire process of traveling in those overcrowded red monstrosities. By the time i had reached college there was a sea of change in the way in which BMTC operated, the buses were painted a pleasant white and blue, the frequency of almost all routes were increased to a decent level, the buses were so much more commuter friendly with bucket seats, pneumatic doors and a host of other general improvements. It was a thrill to get to college everyday with my student pass enabling a number of "bus hop - save time" adventures. Those were the days. Recently after the introduction of air conditioned Volvo buses, i have been envying BMTC commuters who get to travel in comfort and luxury with LCD TV's and radio stations playing out, and I have the unenviable task of navigating my car through Bangalore traffic! All said and done, BMTC is still not exactly the ideal urban transport corporation, it does have its drawbacks vis-a-vis frequency of routes, capacity etc., but i am confident that at some point of time in the future they would meet citizen expectations in every way possible.

What excited me the most was the ride back home, a journey which involved a route change and multi-hop policy - back to good old college days. On the way home i had the conductor on one of the buses giving me gyaan on the internal electronics of cell phones, this after he had enquired about which company i work for and what my current area of expertise is! (currently multimedia audio and speech in cell phone systems is my area of expertise) What amazed me is how comfortable he was in speaking to me and how comfortable i was in listening to him :)! Making easy conversation with complete strangers on the bus was something i enjoyed in my college days :) ... it felt like i was back in college ....

The high point of the bus ride was good old route No. 201. Route No. 201, the hallowed bus route, the mother of all routes on the BMTC network, the bus route that i have used most extensively in my college days. All those familiar sights, sounds and smells. Traveling salesmen, tired masons, chirpy college students, drunk vagabonds, innocuous looking pick pockets, the hassled bus conductor, the horn happy driver, me continuously messaging a friend ... hmmm totally nostalgic about my college days ...

But of course i guess i am not cut out for a regular bus commute now ... i got my car back ... and i enjoy driving it around! What i'd love to do is repeat BMTC bus route hopping at least once a month so that i don't lose touch with the side of me that enjoys using public transport ... someday i might not have my car ... i might not even have a bike ... I should be constantly prepared to face all challenges that life throws at me!


Closing thought:
Thank you BMTC!

A sabbatical that ends ...

It has been a long time since i collated my thoughts and brought them out in cyberspace. A number of things have transpired since.

I have (almost) independent charge of audio in the GGE (GSM,GPRS,EDGE) segment of mobile platforms at my workplace. My car is all fixed up, shining and as pleasurable as ever, i have paid the price of the catastrophic accident in the form of a court hearing and fine. I have lost love. I have stopped eating rice soup for breakfast. I have acted in a "real" theater production staged at Rangashankara in Bangalore and a frivolous yet fun skit at work, besides directing one myself! My dad retired from his job and is back with the family after fifteen years ..........

Gosh my mind is awash with the incidents that have transpired in the time since my last post. From a sense of euphoric enthusiasm in my personal and professional life i have moved into a phase where i feel lackadaisical in my personal life and am running at a near frantic pace of advancement in my professional life.

This period has been one of growth and self realization. I have learnt a lot of things about me and the way in which i deal with people. I have discovered that i could be dispassionately ruthless to people whom i care about and love in case i wish to achieve something that my heart absolutely desires. I have realized that i do allow my heart to rule my mind in matters where it should not. I have realized that i can become near childlike and carefree without a trace of the mature and wise facade that i normally wear, in the company of the woman i'd love. I have grown to accept the fact that i do not have the maturity that i thought i possessed. I have also grown to accept the truth that i have not yet become mature in an experiential sense.

The movie Good Will Hunting brought about a period of intense thought, something that i had not felt for a long time (or rather the first bit of intense thought that i can publish online in more than a year). The Robin Williams monologue on the importance of "the experience" in shaping one's wisdom and maturity was like a revelation akin to finding light at the end of the tunnel. Often in the past one year i have wondered why am i being put through the things i experience when i dont deserve a lot of it. And lo and behold Robin Williams (in a way its the writers - ben affleck and matt damon and not robin williams) had the answer i was seeking ... its because everything that has transpired has added to a treasure chest that i need to pocess called experiential wisdom a treasure chest from which i can draw considerable amounts at crucial times in the future.

I have changed ... and i will keep changing ... and the only comforting fact is that i change so that things get better for me, the people who live and exist in my circle of influence and people who will come into my circle of influence at a later point in life ...