Monday, December 18, 2006

Resilience

The past week has been a revelation.

I have never had a more myriad sense of emotions and experiences both on the personal and professional front.

Let me start off with the professional, to me the most insignificant of them all. The second package that is being sent out of my team in a new project. I had always wondered how could i get the respect of my team members, esp. the contractors who work with our team. It happened. One or two brilliant thoughts, a few clever thinking troubleshooting stunts later, i could feel the respect that they have for me. They do not revere my knowledge, but they definitely respect me as a peer. It feels good to know that i am respected for my skill, a first for me in my professional career. I look forward to honor the respect and trust they have shown in me...

On the personal front, i have had a veritable roller coaster ride of emotions, from the euphoric heights of falling in love to the depths of depression and frustration in dealing with governmental agencies, i have seen despair, fear, light, hope, friendship, and love.


In the process i have just realized how resilient i have become to changing circumstances ... a few years ago, a week with just a fraction of the experiences of my previous week \would have left me physically and mentally exhausted ... i am surprised at the speed at which i have bounced back to almost normality .... (i am still depressed about the damages to my car .... and still euphoric in every sense ! )

I feel light hearted and at the same time i feel like i have just gone through a second moulting in my life ... the new year holds so much promise for me ... i cant help but pray that all goes the way i wish it does ... !!!!

As always sleep takes its toll on the length of this post ....!!!!!h

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Life, the universe and a star gazing trip

consciousness : -

Consciousness is a quality of the mind generally regarded to comprise qualities such as subjectivity, self-awareness, sentience, sapience, and the ability to perceive the relationship between oneself and one's environment.

- source Wiki

Was recently on a star gazing trip o Hampi inKarnataka, India. For those in Bangalore who have not been to Hampi, get there on the first chance that you get. It was a mind blowing experience ...the ruins... the history ... the feeling of pride.

The real intention of the trip , which was done with the Bangalore Astronomical Society, was to have a clear sky for a great night of sky observations. We had brilliantly clear skies from 8 pm to 12 am after which all observations were hampered the heavy cloud cover.

It was amazing to just lie on my back and look up at the clear sky. It used to be a real pleasurable activity for me when i was a kid; it was a form of pleasure that i had forgotten.
A few deep and profound thoughts struck me as i gazed deep into the cosmos ...

I am so insignificant from a physical point of view in the grand scheme of things ... I mean the sheer physical magnitude of the universe makes my physical being a very insignificant entity of existence.

However ... what is the magnitude of the universe? The whole notion of existence and the magnitude of the universe is directly linked to my consciousness. If my consciousness did not exist, the universe and everything else also would not...

And then suddenly it struck me ... one of the most important aspect of my existence is my consciousness ... perhaps it "is" the cornerstone of my existence. I exist and i am aware of my existence because of my consciousness. So the whole universe gets its meaning through an individuals consciousness ... Does that make the individual the central theme of creation from a personal perspective?

The "self" is an important thing. The whole universe has an existence in my consciousness ...

These were some deep and profound thoughts ... they have given me one or two sleepless nights ... i continue to think about them ... I think i have a lot more to learn about existence and my consciousness ...


For now i am conscious that i am sleepy :) .....

Monday, October 09, 2006

Feeling very light headed and hearted today

I dunno why is it that i am feeling so light and happy right now ... maybe its the excellent fish i had for dinner ... maybe it was the company i had at dinner ... maybe its just the weather ... i dunno ... i dont care ... i love the feeling ...

I had not been feeling well over the past one week and in between the important event of presenting my first technical paper accepted at a pulic forum ... the only thing that i could afford to do was sleep and think ... think about life ... existence and the good effects of prayer.

Prayer ... the one word that brings religiosity to mind ... a man who prays is considered to be a complete religious "holy holy" guy ... i think not!

When i was struggling with a 103 temperature and i just couldn't get to sleep due to the myriad paths my hallucinating mind was taking, i decided to try out something interesting.... i closed my eyes and started a chant .... it was just a rendition of the holy rosary ... something we have been doing as a family since as far as i can remember ... it was more of a chant than a real prayer .... and it worked like a beauty ...

No my fever did not come down .... but i could feel my senses and thoughts collating and coming to focus ... the chant was helping my mind calm down so that i could get my much needed sleep ... in the proces i realized the much maligned truth about prayer ... its the best mental tool known to man since times immemorial ...

A prayer (not necessarily to god...) can be anything from a heartfelt outpouring to a senseless chant is a mental tool that people use for reassurance, refocussing and invogorating the inner soul ... if seen from the right perspective i think prayer is a life enhancing tool ...

Personally i prefer the chanting path of prayer ... the rosary has become so much of a habit that i chant it everyday rather than actually mean it when said in unison with the family ... During the course of the chant ... my mind wanders on multiple paths ... looking deep into my subconscious ... i find peace and tranquility , i find out what troubles me ... what makes me ecstatic ... my innermost plans for myself ... my dreams and aspirations ... my likes my dislikes ... my love and my hate ... i am actually self aware as if i were cast on stage with all the spotlights on me and the world watching on ...

Anyway ... this momentous feeling i felt helped me sleep well that night and tide over my first major sickness in three years ...

I dont feel any more religious or pious ... rather i feel at peace and content with myself ... and i think i understand why peple pray ... they may be doing out of peity, but the real reason is somwhere deep down inside it is aiding them to be more self aware of themselves ... and that is what is necessary to lead an enlightened life ....

And ofcourse its good to be back at work with wonderful plans for my future ... i hope i continue to remain as optimistic and upbeat as this all my life ... i owe it to me and the society in which i live...

Monday, September 18, 2006

Just had to put this up

Follow the link:

The homeless of SanFransisco

Every picture there tells a story of poverty in SanFransisco ...

I hope every visitor to my blog reads atleast some of the stories behind these pictures ....

THis link got me thinking ... if there is a story behind the poor homeless in a city like SF ... how many more should be found in the cities of Inida ????

Its one of those picture sets on the net that is going to give me a sleepless night ... as i ponder and contemplate on the relative affluence in which i live ...

Life is unfair ... I've got to learn to accept it ... it is unfair in my favour tonight ....

Saturday, August 19, 2006

The purpose of existence

Purpose-
n. The object toward which one strives

source : www.dictionary.com


The purpose of existence is something over which i have been mulling ever since I had been to the last installment of the matrix trilogy.

Is it so that everything that exists has to have some purpose, some functionality that it has to fulfil? Does there exist a purpose for the existence of lifeless entities ?

Come to think of it inanimate entities are given a purpose only in the context of human existence. That brings me to the conclusion that while trying to define the purpose of existence of anything, we have to take it in the context of human existence...

And that brings me to the point of human existence, what is the purpose of human existence?

Is my purpose of existence just the justification of the things around me. Can this question be answered without bringing in religion?

In christian philosophy, man is considered to be created by god in his own image ... thus defining the purpose of human existence as a manifestation of god, where a human being should strive to attain god like perfection. I see this extended in the philosophy of karma and moksha in hindusim.

My quest for an objective answer devoid of religion took me to google :) ... and the specific query "the purpose of human existence" ...

"As far as we can discern,
the sole purpose of human existence
is to kindle a light of meaning
in the darkness of mere being."
-- Carl Gustav Jung

Interesting point ... but what is "mere being" ...

I have seemingly opened a whole new avenue of philosophising ... There are so many theories out there; religious and non religious, and i have a lifetime to find out what is the purpose of my existence ...



There is more to come ...

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Burn Out???

I have found a new potential enemy in my professional and personal life . This guy is at par with "complacence", though i have not yet had a full blown encounter with him ... He exhausts the fuel that drives you and is aptly named BURN OUT!

Up until a few months ago 'burnout' was a term i associated with sport prodigies. In my early schooling days i have had the privilege of studying with some of the best sporting talent in the country. True to their talent these guys, at that point of time, rose up to number 1 positions in their respective fields, only to be lost in oblivion today at this point of time. Did they peak too early burning out or is it so that they were never meant to be in it for the long run.

OVer the past week i have tried to define burn out in a broader sense after a very close friend of mine warned me that the amount of time i spend at work might lead to a burn out. I think my boss has gone through one phase of burn out ... over the past one month it has affected his efficiency at work, i am in no position to comment on his personal life, but going by my analysis a professional burnout has to have its repurcussions on the personal side of life too.

Of late i have been putting in long hours at work. Not out of pressure, but because work is interesting and challenging. However i have to remind myself that i am in life for the long run, and not to suffer minor unecessary burn outs that will hamper my progress.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Bangalore ...

I have had a chance to be a part of a community titled "Bangalore is Full. Go Home !!" on Orkut. Its description is interesting ...

This is a community for all those true blooded, hardcore Bangloreans who believe that people from outside Bangalore, who come and settle down here are the ones who should be majorly held responsible for the recent collapse in infrastructure, bad traffic amongst other negative developments in the city. Facilities originally created for us are being exploited by non-Bangloreans. Growing up in this wonderful city, we knew how this place was 10-15 years ago..or more. We feel extremely attached to this place and we express our hatred and anger towards all those 'immigrants' here who are bringing about the city's downfall!!..Come on in and express your solidarity as a Hardcore Banglorean.. and for all you wimps at heart.. stay away!!
P.S: If you are gonna delete your post after you get owned, please do not join this community. Some pussies have done that earlier and thats why this last line!

Personally i find some of the statements too radical and racist ... like "We feel extremely attached to this place and we express our hatred and anger towards all those 'immigrants' here who are bringing about the city's downfall!!" I am not yet a blatant racist ... and so i do not agree with this point ... yet i do agree with the fact that to a large extent the ills that have befallen bangalore are a consequence of outsiders who come in to bangalore ... grabbing high paying IT and ITES jobs ... they do nothing productive for the city ... dont treat the city as their own ... since anyway within a few years they are going to quit their jobs and go back to wherever it is that they have come from.

I thought there were some enlightened souls in this community who were truly trying to make a change to Bangalore ... make a point that people who come in must integrate into the local culture ... but maybe i am wrong in my assessment.

I believe that there should be atleast a minimum integration into the local culture ... i.e. the learning of the local language ... atleast upto a "spoken" level. This will make the people of bangalore realize that people who come into bangalore are not here just for the jobs ... but are here to be a part of the community ... It is not an easy task and this is an objective that can be achieved over time without compromising on the "cosmopolitan" nature of the city.

Getting back to this community ... there are a lot of discussion threads on this community that are directed against "outsiders" particularly the north indian commmunitites that are coming into bangalore ... most of the threads are abusive with local members just abusing the skin off the impetuous "northie" who dares to post anything that is percieved to be anti-local. I have tried something interesting ... a sort of experiment ... to check if this community is really all about some serious work or just a place for people to let out hot air ....

I have started a thread that outlines ways in which kannada can be taught to people who have come from outside bangalore to settle in bangalore ... It is on a serious note and is meant to get some of the bright sparks to come out with creative and innovative ideas.

15 minutes after i started the thread ... there were 5-6 posts on the "bash northie/immigrant" threads whereas my thread had not even recieved a single hit. This is making me wonder ... are the creators of this communityand its ardent members here to just blow hot air or seriously make a difference to bangalore ... I am going to wait for a few more days before i pass my judgement ...

The forgotten genre

Completely forgot about the animated movies :) ... Tom and Jerry ... Ice Age ... Shark Tale ...

Now that is a genre that defies age boundaries ... just got off watching shark tale ... and if you are reading this post laugh at this dialogue ... imagine it being said in will smith style :)

"Yo sykes! My brother from another mother ! " .... muhuaaahaahaa ......

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

My changing view on atheists and atheism

It has been long since I have been contemplating a post on this topic. In the past year or so I have been thinking deeply about my religious obligations, my spirituality and the relevance that these hold for other people in their lives. One contentious issue that I had very strong opinions on was the issue of atheism.

I believed that atheists were just ignoramus idiots.

A little background on my personal journey through the quagmire of faith and GOD.

There was a time in my life when I decided that the best way by which I could avoid the Sunday mass was by declaring myself an atheist. I was hell bent on working towards this goal in my life. Somewhere in between my plan towards achieving this goal a thought struck me. Before I announce my atheism to the world let me search for GOD and when I DON'T find him after my search I can confidently make my transition to atheism without any religious nut telling me I have not searched for GOD. To cut long stories short, in my quest for GOD I somehow managed to rebuild my faith and I just could not come to the conclusion that GOD does not exist ... (and yes though I am not completely dogmatic, I do attend Sunday mass every week).

After this realization of my faith in the existence of GOD I decided that any person who claims to be an atheist should be able to substantiate his atheism by giving concrete evidence that he failed in his quest to find GOD, i.e, he actually went searching for GOD :) ....

What I would have wanted to ask an atheist is "Have you succeeded in finding reasons why GOD does not exist after having gone searching for him or is it so that you have succeeded in finding reasons for not finding GOD and therefore disproved his existence?"

My opinion has changed ... somewhat drastically of late (actually the past two days ...). It all boils down to faith. The common denominator between believers and atheists is faith. Believers have faith in the existence of GOD and atheists have faith in the non-existence of GOD, period.

It is very difficult to get a straightforward objective answer to matters related to faith, and that is because of the personal nature of this attribute of human beings. I am strong in my faith in the existence of GOD, and an atheist is a true atheist if and only if he is strong in his faith in the non-existence of GOD, after all faith as i have defined it for myself is my personal belief of the truth...

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Sucker for mushy movies ?

Two weeks ago, I finally got to see Pretty Woman from the beginning till the end without any interruption. And i thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I totally and thouroughly enjoy these mushy romantic light hearted comedies more than any other genre of cinema.

I dont understand why is it so that i enjoy mushy cinema but i cant stand books that fall in this genre (the mushy light hearted romantic ones). When it comes to books, my preference leans towards mystery, edge of the seat action and roaring comedies, heavily mushy books are a complete turn off.

Does this indicate that my preferences are putting me in the category of people who are well balanced, or is it just so that i need to get more patient at reading books and get a nice hi fidelity home theatre system to watch my movies :)..... !!!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

A small change in attitude

The first three moths of work was a period that i would best describe as euphoric ... the money was great , the work light and the "wow" factor of working for TI had not yet come down.

The next two months was like the dark ages ... i felt out of place ... was struggling like a fish out of water. It was not a baptism by fire ... though the heat was definately on. Well i did emerge well baked ... (self assessment). From Jan work has been quite smooth ... but i felt that on the personal front i was not able to achieve any of the goals i was setting for myself.

My state of affairs has taken a turn for the better since the past two weeks. I have changed my attitude towards work. I have made Job related activities the core thing on which i spend my effecient time periods at office. Setting up VPN connectivity from home has helped too. I make a schedule of the goals i wish to achieve for the day that are in line with the goals i have set for the week tha are in turn aligned with the plan i have set for six months ... whew !!

I think the change that is impacting me in such a great manner is the fact that i am attempting to get more organized and succeding at it.

Reflecting on the past, i think one of the biggest impediments to my personal and academic growth has been my lack of organization and planning. I was more of a JIT person (just/jest in time) . Not a spontaneous bloke ... just a last minute fire fighter ... and a darned good one at that. But being a good fire fighter is not the best approach to what i wish to achieve in the long run. Forget fighting fires, i am good at that, now i need to be in a position to prevent the fires that might flare up, and that is where being organized is important.


I hope to continue maturing in the aspect of planning out things in my life. At the same time i should never forget to be spontaneous in my approach too. Flexibility, spontaneaty and productive change should complement my newfound resolve to plan out my activities.

There are four vectors that i have identified along which i should grow for the next two years. 1) Multimedia 2) Systems 3) Management 4) Personal. The order stated above is not indicative of any sort of priority. All vectors are imporant and and equal and rapid growth along each of them is important to achieve professional competence and personal satisfaction.

I need to plan my activities along these vectors, setting acheivable goals. These vectors may seem skewed in favour of my professional side, however after deep thought i am convinced that for the next two years it is my professional development that matters more.

1) Multimedia -> my bread and butter at work . I need to develop a high level of competence in digital audio and video principles.

2) Systems -> not my bread and butter ... but very very interesting. Being aware of systems, hardware and supporting tools has never hurt.

3) Management -> the binding glue. Very important from a personal and professional perspective. This includes process adherence at work and balancing out my activities at home.

4) Personal -> i should never forget friends family and myself. Spending some quality time on these three aspects of this vector is extremely important.

This is a reminder blog. I hope to be reminded continuously of what it is that i have set out to achieve for myself.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Intellectuals

The world is getting intelluctual. I mean 'the world'. Everybody is a bloody intellectual ...

Intellectual bloody hypocrites ...

.... and I am among them ... 'the world' ....

Friday, January 27, 2006

I have been reading a lot of web logs (blogs) of late and i have come to admire the openess with hich people are willing to put up their personal thougts in public. I feel i should blog more often.
But what is the focus of my blog ... i have defined it in my first post a few months ago, Now i am not sure if those descriptions remain valid.

I was just mulling over a few things today and i thought that a blog post was mandated.

Am I a person who is in control of his anger?

I like to describe myself as a 'relatively calm' person. But i know that it is probably not what is percieved. I get angry easily. I get angry easily with people whom i am familiar with. I am hyperactive at times ... i mumble the wrong things at times ... I tend to get very rude at times. The moot question is, am I right in my judgemnet about me and my anger? I am not a relatively calm person. I am an angry, unstable, bumbling human being. From now on i am going to try and become a stable and calm person. When I die ... i would rather be remembered as a 'relatively calm fellow' than 'flamboyant a**h***'.