This is the second part of my post. In case you missed part 1, you can read it here.
The points i am making in this post are concerned with non-critical yet important aspects of the hospital stay.
- Visitors: a source of joy /a source of suffering
There were two distinct phases that i went through, one in which i felt extremely good, almost normal ready to be discharged, and then the very next day back to square one with high fevers, heavy rigors (violent chills). On days when i felt normal i wanted to meet people, as many people as possible. Visitors were welcome, they provided me a connection with the social and professional life i enjoyed when i was outside the hospital. On days when i was sick i just longed for my immediate family, my girlfriend to be around; any other visitor was not welcome. I had one of my aunts, a catholic nun come by and stay for a few days. This lady was someone i was not very comfortable spending time with before due to a difference in philosophies. However having her around providing me spiritual and moral support changed my entire attitude towards visitors in general. I will be eternally grateful to all the people who visited me and helped in maintaining my link with the social life that is so important to me.
- Don't forget to entertain yourself and those around you ! :)
There is nothing that is more effective than a few well cracked jokes at strategic moments to elevate a sagging depressed mood. I had a few doctors from the urology department who had an awesome (and at times downright dirty) sense of humor which served me well :) ... I remember coming out of my first surgery in pain (the local anesthetic was wearing off) and in my delirious state asking my parents to keep me occupied with some form of conversation ultimately ending in a few wise cracks from both ends, a few from my parents and a few from me ... somehow the humor kept me from thinking of the pain. Towards the end of my stay in the hospital, on a day when i was feeling fit enough to walk down to the hospital book shop, i picked up a book - "Laughing With The Bishop" by J. Maurus and excellent source of jokes on the clergy which kept me good company for the rest of my stay in the hospital.
- Faith and spirituality - very helpful tools for theists
I am not a deeply religious person, but i do have faith in the presence of a personal god. In the context of my religion i found the chant of a prayer - the rosary - to have a very soothing effect on my frayed nerves. Besides this, reading the bible was another source of inspiration and strength. I would strongly recommend Psalm91 to anybody who is looking for a source of strength and believes in the healing power of prayer.I would also recommend a lovely book - "A source book of inspiration" by J. Maurus. This book is a good spiritual guide with numerous anecdotes, inspirational quotes and a quintessential dose of humor. Being admitted in a catholic run hospital i had access to a quiet peaceful chapel. When i was fit enough, towards the end of my stay, i made it a point to visit the chapel everyday in the morning for a few minutes and do some quiet meditation.
- For the active professional types/book worms: Sources of distraction
The last and possibly least important aspect of a hospitalization... I am an extremely active professional in a very dynamic and demanding industry (and company within this industry). I have also been a voracious reader, thinker and writer at different points in my life. Sitting idle in the hospital did me no good, so i got myself all the books that were lying on my shelf waiting to be finished (thankful to my parents for hauling them to and fro) and actually finished them. I also got myself a few technical books relevant to my interests and read through them too. Solving puzzles and complex mathematical problems was another source of distraction, though it does come with a caveat, it could be quite taxing mentally and may end up being a source of stress. Overall keeping myself distracted with my books and periods of deep introspection on technical matters helped in reducing the pain.
With this I end a personal account of what i would like to call a "soft reset" period of my life. Its been four months since i have been out and if i know one thing for sure, i never want to see the interiors of a hospital ever again!!!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Beating those hospitalization blues - Part I
In the recent past i had the (mis)fortune of having to spend close to 43 days hospitalized and had the distinction of being classified and discharged as a patient with "Pyrexia of Unknown Origin" (more on this condition here).
This post is not about my clinical or physical condition, nor is it intended to go deep into the medical technicalities best left to be discussed in the consultation rooms of able minded physicians of the world. This is just a post to remind myself of the psychological experience, the trauma faced by me (the patient) and my parents (the attendants) and perhaps help out others who find themselves in a similar situation. If i were to make this post sound more dramatic then i would name it - "How to mentally survive more than 40 days of hospitalization"!
I have split this post into two parts. The first part (that is this one) emphasizes on the points that i feel are the most relevent and important with respect to surviving the hospital stay. The second part covers aspects that make sure that survival happens with a certain amount of fun and a happier psychological predisposition.
- The truth is you really can't be that strong
The most oft repeated words of advice when you are hospitalized would probably contain the following phrases - "take courage", "be strong", "don't worry", " stop worrying". These words will be used with the best intentions by friends and relatives.
The truth remains that it boils down to what you are feeling inside your head. On the 21st day while i was suffering with a temperature of 104F something snapped inside my head, death felt like a preferable alternative. Convinced that i am on the path of certain death with a terrible disease i made a list of all my assets, liabilities, bank accounts, debt, investments (details i had never shared with anybody) and shared the details with my parents (who were taking care of me) telling them to expect the worst; a move that served to upset my parents badly!
Perhaps i was overreacting, but then a long stint in the hospital can have a debilitating effect on the morale, however optimistic we are in the "normal" world. There will be periods where it seems like things are getting better, and then suddenly things are back to what they were or perhaps worse. This roller coaster ride is what is causes the maximum damage, the remaining sections outline the best way by which a long stint at the hospital can be dealt with.
- Having a good support system helps - parents are invaluable
The most important people in the case of a long hospitalization are the people who take care of you and the support system that sustains them (friends and relatives). My parents were my biggest source of support, or should i say the only source. This happened mainly because visitation was limited due to the high risk of infection. At times like this paternal instincts come out most strongly. My dietary needs, my clinical needs, literally all my needs had to be taken care of my parents and if not for them surviving the ordeal would have been impossible.
Being able to talk to friends and colleagues is another important support system. Having the cell phone next to me and being able to make and receive calls proved to be a good source of support from a mental perspective.
One of the most important aspects of my recovery was the conversations i would have with my girlfriend. The ability to talk to her, share her life and my life through a telephonic conversation had a very positive effect on my mental state. Just the thought of listening to her voice was enough to make me feel better and actually talking to her made me feel mentally and physically relaxed.
- Communicating with the doctors and medical staff is extremely important
The single most important person from a medical staff point of view is the doctor who is handling your case. The resident doctors and the staff nurses are equally important, but it is most important that every single symptom both physiological and psychological is communicated with utmost clarity to the big one. Nothing is insignificant. A slight involuntary twitch of the eye, a bout of heavy sweating, a few dry coughs, everything has some significance to the doctor. If the patient is not able to keep track of these, atleast the attendant should. Case in point, one day my aunt noticed that the whites of my eyes were really white, no traces of any blood vessels, I ignored this point while the doc was on his rounds, however my aunt persisted and communicated this to the doctor who then did a thorough re-examination recommended some tests just to ensure that things were all OK. Needless to say those tests did return some problems that were minor but required immediate attention.
To be continued ...
This post is not about my clinical or physical condition, nor is it intended to go deep into the medical technicalities best left to be discussed in the consultation rooms of able minded physicians of the world. This is just a post to remind myself of the psychological experience, the trauma faced by me (the patient) and my parents (the attendants) and perhaps help out others who find themselves in a similar situation. If i were to make this post sound more dramatic then i would name it - "How to mentally survive more than 40 days of hospitalization"!
I have split this post into two parts. The first part (that is this one) emphasizes on the points that i feel are the most relevent and important with respect to surviving the hospital stay. The second part covers aspects that make sure that survival happens with a certain amount of fun and a happier psychological predisposition.
- The truth is you really can't be that strong
The most oft repeated words of advice when you are hospitalized would probably contain the following phrases - "take courage", "be strong", "don't worry", " stop worrying". These words will be used with the best intentions by friends and relatives.
The truth remains that it boils down to what you are feeling inside your head. On the 21st day while i was suffering with a temperature of 104F something snapped inside my head, death felt like a preferable alternative. Convinced that i am on the path of certain death with a terrible disease i made a list of all my assets, liabilities, bank accounts, debt, investments (details i had never shared with anybody) and shared the details with my parents (who were taking care of me) telling them to expect the worst; a move that served to upset my parents badly!
Perhaps i was overreacting, but then a long stint in the hospital can have a debilitating effect on the morale, however optimistic we are in the "normal" world. There will be periods where it seems like things are getting better, and then suddenly things are back to what they were or perhaps worse. This roller coaster ride is what is causes the maximum damage, the remaining sections outline the best way by which a long stint at the hospital can be dealt with.
- Having a good support system helps - parents are invaluable
The most important people in the case of a long hospitalization are the people who take care of you and the support system that sustains them (friends and relatives). My parents were my biggest source of support, or should i say the only source. This happened mainly because visitation was limited due to the high risk of infection. At times like this paternal instincts come out most strongly. My dietary needs, my clinical needs, literally all my needs had to be taken care of my parents and if not for them surviving the ordeal would have been impossible.
Being able to talk to friends and colleagues is another important support system. Having the cell phone next to me and being able to make and receive calls proved to be a good source of support from a mental perspective.
One of the most important aspects of my recovery was the conversations i would have with my girlfriend. The ability to talk to her, share her life and my life through a telephonic conversation had a very positive effect on my mental state. Just the thought of listening to her voice was enough to make me feel better and actually talking to her made me feel mentally and physically relaxed.
- Communicating with the doctors and medical staff is extremely important
The single most important person from a medical staff point of view is the doctor who is handling your case. The resident doctors and the staff nurses are equally important, but it is most important that every single symptom both physiological and psychological is communicated with utmost clarity to the big one. Nothing is insignificant. A slight involuntary twitch of the eye, a bout of heavy sweating, a few dry coughs, everything has some significance to the doctor. If the patient is not able to keep track of these, atleast the attendant should. Case in point, one day my aunt noticed that the whites of my eyes were really white, no traces of any blood vessels, I ignored this point while the doc was on his rounds, however my aunt persisted and communicated this to the doctor who then did a thorough re-examination recommended some tests just to ensure that things were all OK. Needless to say those tests did return some problems that were minor but required immediate attention.
To be continued ...
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Dealing with people
"You cannot control the way in which people around you behave, but what you can control is your reaction to it."
[Definitely stated by someone before me :)]
[Definitely stated by someone before me :)]
There are two ways in which you can deal with people, the reactive and the proactive way.
At one extreme, domineering people tend to be proactive in their dealings, they don't usually take any form of feedback and deal with people and situations in a manner that they deem best.
At the other extreme are highly oppressed people who behave in the most obsequious way; being completely reactive in their way of dealing with people and situations.
I feel most "balanced" people fit in a zone between these two extremes. The obvious question that comes to my mind is where do i fit in?
After a lot of introspection i have come to a conclusion on the position that i would like to take in my life.
While dealing with the people i care about - my family, my friends - i would like to have a higher fraction of reactive responses than proactive resposes ... i want to listen to them, react to what they have to say, or feel, get proactive only when required. This is an extremely difficult objective to achieve (been trying it for a few weeks ...it is quite a daunting task to achieve the ideal that i have stated). I like to believe that i have a large amount of patience when i deal with people and situations, but now i realize that i have to have a lot more patience than what i believe i have had. There has to be an inner calm, a tranquil place that exists within my psyche that enables this kind of an approach.
At a professional level i want to have a balanced approach, a one is to one split between the reactive and proactive responses. Alongside the inner tranquility for my calm reactive nature i need to have a raging inferno for a fiery proactive response. This will serve me well in the long run provided i use the right combination of responses in my professional dealings. I might need to be a reactive inferno at times and at times be a calm proactive element!
It is not easy to be "balanced" in this sense, yet i have to work hard to achieve the right blend in my response to the situations and people that life throws at me!
Friday, June 06, 2008
Happiness and Unhappiness!
Phew ... I am recuperating from a fever after more than a year of good health!!!
I guess it was expected ... the stress and excitement of the past few months. The stress of managing relationships (not necessarily painful! happy relationships could also cause stress!!!!) and professional commitments, the excitement of knowing that i am entering the most critical phase of my career with an admit in the PGSEM course at IIMB.
Or perhaps the cause is just my foolish attitude to stay on at the IIM campus, not sleep till the early hours of morn and get drenched in the first monsoon showers without a care in the world ... Damn it, tis a don't care, what matters is that I managed to get a good two and a half days of rest and sleep, something that my body needed real bad.
Professionally i find my work as fulfilling as it was, everyday presents a new opportunity for me to expand my horizons, learn new things and influence people around me. Given the context of my professional life, the PGSEM course at IIMB should fit in with ease. Volunteer work continues to keep my mind sharp; my continuing association with Janaagraha on CAP and WISA programs, and the start of a new season with the TI India Foundation on the Jack Kilby science and technology quiz 2008 - things that i look forward to.
As always a fever brings about a period of uncontrolled thoughts, the mind races along vectors that the conscious would otherwise normally mask. A lot of thoughts crossed my mind about the women i have loved, the women who have loved me, and the expectations i have had from them and myself in the context of the relationship we have shared; expectations that are fulfilled and unfulfilled. Thoughts of whether i am truly happy, truly sad or just pretending to be both and feeling neither...
I have come to accept the fact that the root cause of unhappiness in relationships are unfulfilled expectations. From my personal experiences i have realized, what makes me unhappy, angry and frustrated is all those expectations that I have had (probably have!) that were never fulfilled. Instead of focusing on what made me happy in the relationship, i focus on what made me sad, angry and frustrated.
Not anymore, no more expectations of any kind in a relationship. I am happy living the way i want to live without setting up these expectations. The only reason i should be unhappy is if i don't live up to expectations that I set for myself. Looking back at my life and relationships I have shared, I think in every relationship of mine I have met or exceeded the expectations that i have set of me! I should be overjoyed! And yet there is something fundamentally wrong in living only by my expectations. What if the other person is totally unhappy inspite of no wrong doing on my part?
Hmmm ... relationships are complex things, I am setting a new metric to measure my happiness and satisfaction in a relationship. As long as I make the other person happy in every way possible to the best of my ability I will consider my part in the relationship to be consummated. To this end i will give without expecting anything in return.
I feel at peace with myself, a long period of thinking has culminated in this new direction that i set for myself, whether it is right or flawed, only time will tell!
For now it seems to be the path that has kept me happy in the recent past. I have been truly happy for most part of the last four weeks! I intend to be happy, happier, happiest (if possible) and spread the joy ... to quote St. Francis of Assisi ... "For it is in giving that we receive ..."
I guess it was expected ... the stress and excitement of the past few months. The stress of managing relationships (not necessarily painful! happy relationships could also cause stress!!!!) and professional commitments, the excitement of knowing that i am entering the most critical phase of my career with an admit in the PGSEM course at IIMB.
Or perhaps the cause is just my foolish attitude to stay on at the IIM campus, not sleep till the early hours of morn and get drenched in the first monsoon showers without a care in the world ... Damn it, tis a don't care, what matters is that I managed to get a good two and a half days of rest and sleep, something that my body needed real bad.
Professionally i find my work as fulfilling as it was, everyday presents a new opportunity for me to expand my horizons, learn new things and influence people around me. Given the context of my professional life, the PGSEM course at IIMB should fit in with ease. Volunteer work continues to keep my mind sharp; my continuing association with Janaagraha on CAP and WISA programs, and the start of a new season with the TI India Foundation on the Jack Kilby science and technology quiz 2008 - things that i look forward to.
As always a fever brings about a period of uncontrolled thoughts, the mind races along vectors that the conscious would otherwise normally mask. A lot of thoughts crossed my mind about the women i have loved, the women who have loved me, and the expectations i have had from them and myself in the context of the relationship we have shared; expectations that are fulfilled and unfulfilled. Thoughts of whether i am truly happy, truly sad or just pretending to be both and feeling neither...
I have come to accept the fact that the root cause of unhappiness in relationships are unfulfilled expectations. From my personal experiences i have realized, what makes me unhappy, angry and frustrated is all those expectations that I have had (probably have!) that were never fulfilled. Instead of focusing on what made me happy in the relationship, i focus on what made me sad, angry and frustrated.
Not anymore, no more expectations of any kind in a relationship. I am happy living the way i want to live without setting up these expectations. The only reason i should be unhappy is if i don't live up to expectations that I set for myself. Looking back at my life and relationships I have shared, I think in every relationship of mine I have met or exceeded the expectations that i have set of me! I should be overjoyed! And yet there is something fundamentally wrong in living only by my expectations. What if the other person is totally unhappy inspite of no wrong doing on my part?
Hmmm ... relationships are complex things, I am setting a new metric to measure my happiness and satisfaction in a relationship. As long as I make the other person happy in every way possible to the best of my ability I will consider my part in the relationship to be consummated. To this end i will give without expecting anything in return.
I feel at peace with myself, a long period of thinking has culminated in this new direction that i set for myself, whether it is right or flawed, only time will tell!
For now it seems to be the path that has kept me happy in the recent past. I have been truly happy for most part of the last four weeks! I intend to be happy, happier, happiest (if possible) and spread the joy ... to quote St. Francis of Assisi ... "For it is in giving that we receive ..."
Friday, February 29, 2008
BMTC bus rides!
Its been five years since i bought my bike and thus ended my dependence on the public transport system. Other than one or two occasional rides on a BMTC bus between two or three stops, i have not tested the public transport system of Bangalore for the above mentioned period.
All of this changed early this week when i had to leave my (beloved Fiat Palio 1.6 sport :D !) car for it regular servicing at the service station that is at the other end of the city as compared to my office. The service adviser was kind enough to drop me at the nearest bus stop with the following words "you will easily get an auto to your office from here sir".
As i walked towards an empty auto close by, something snapped inside my mind, in a split second the decision was taken, no auto for this ride back, it was going to be good ol' BMTC's bus ride for me. And to as if to prove a point, at that very instant a partially empty BMTC bus drew up alongside the bus shelter. No looking back, two connecting buses and 90 minutes later i was in my office after a ride that was not half as bumpy and stressful as an auto ride!
Speaking of BMTC (bangalore metropolitan transport corporation) , this urban transport body or Bangalore city has improved by leaps and bounds. When i was in school i remember traveling by BMTC buses and dreading the entire process of traveling in those overcrowded red monstrosities. By the time i had reached college there was a sea of change in the way in which BMTC operated, the buses were painted a pleasant white and blue, the frequency of almost all routes were increased to a decent level, the buses were so much more commuter friendly with bucket seats, pneumatic doors and a host of other general improvements. It was a thrill to get to college everyday with my student pass enabling a number of "bus hop - save time" adventures. Those were the days. Recently after the introduction of air conditioned Volvo buses, i have been envying BMTC commuters who get to travel in comfort and luxury with LCD TV's and radio stations playing out, and I have the unenviable task of navigating my car through Bangalore traffic! All said and done, BMTC is still not exactly the ideal urban transport corporation, it does have its drawbacks vis-a-vis frequency of routes, capacity etc., but i am confident that at some point of time in the future they would meet citizen expectations in every way possible.
What excited me the most was the ride back home, a journey which involved a route change and multi-hop policy - back to good old college days. On the way home i had the conductor on one of the buses giving me gyaan on the internal electronics of cell phones, this after he had enquired about which company i work for and what my current area of expertise is! (currently multimedia audio and speech in cell phone systems is my area of expertise) What amazed me is how comfortable he was in speaking to me and how comfortable i was in listening to him :)! Making easy conversation with complete strangers on the bus was something i enjoyed in my college days :) ... it felt like i was back in college ....
The high point of the bus ride was good old route No. 201. Route No. 201, the hallowed bus route, the mother of all routes on the BMTC network, the bus route that i have used most extensively in my college days. All those familiar sights, sounds and smells. Traveling salesmen, tired masons, chirpy college students, drunk vagabonds, innocuous looking pick pockets, the hassled bus conductor, the horn happy driver, me continuously messaging a friend ... hmmm totally nostalgic about my college days ...
But of course i guess i am not cut out for a regular bus commute now ... i got my car back ... and i enjoy driving it around! What i'd love to do is repeat BMTC bus route hopping at least once a month so that i don't lose touch with the side of me that enjoys using public transport ... someday i might not have my car ... i might not even have a bike ... I should be constantly prepared to face all challenges that life throws at me!
Closing thought:
Thank you BMTC!
All of this changed early this week when i had to leave my (beloved Fiat Palio 1.6 sport :D !) car for it regular servicing at the service station that is at the other end of the city as compared to my office. The service adviser was kind enough to drop me at the nearest bus stop with the following words "you will easily get an auto to your office from here sir".
As i walked towards an empty auto close by, something snapped inside my mind, in a split second the decision was taken, no auto for this ride back, it was going to be good ol' BMTC's bus ride for me. And to as if to prove a point, at that very instant a partially empty BMTC bus drew up alongside the bus shelter. No looking back, two connecting buses and 90 minutes later i was in my office after a ride that was not half as bumpy and stressful as an auto ride!
Speaking of BMTC (bangalore metropolitan transport corporation) , this urban transport body or Bangalore city has improved by leaps and bounds. When i was in school i remember traveling by BMTC buses and dreading the entire process of traveling in those overcrowded red monstrosities. By the time i had reached college there was a sea of change in the way in which BMTC operated, the buses were painted a pleasant white and blue, the frequency of almost all routes were increased to a decent level, the buses were so much more commuter friendly with bucket seats, pneumatic doors and a host of other general improvements. It was a thrill to get to college everyday with my student pass enabling a number of "bus hop - save time" adventures. Those were the days. Recently after the introduction of air conditioned Volvo buses, i have been envying BMTC commuters who get to travel in comfort and luxury with LCD TV's and radio stations playing out, and I have the unenviable task of navigating my car through Bangalore traffic! All said and done, BMTC is still not exactly the ideal urban transport corporation, it does have its drawbacks vis-a-vis frequency of routes, capacity etc., but i am confident that at some point of time in the future they would meet citizen expectations in every way possible.
What excited me the most was the ride back home, a journey which involved a route change and multi-hop policy - back to good old college days. On the way home i had the conductor on one of the buses giving me gyaan on the internal electronics of cell phones, this after he had enquired about which company i work for and what my current area of expertise is! (currently multimedia audio and speech in cell phone systems is my area of expertise) What amazed me is how comfortable he was in speaking to me and how comfortable i was in listening to him :)! Making easy conversation with complete strangers on the bus was something i enjoyed in my college days :) ... it felt like i was back in college ....
The high point of the bus ride was good old route No. 201. Route No. 201, the hallowed bus route, the mother of all routes on the BMTC network, the bus route that i have used most extensively in my college days. All those familiar sights, sounds and smells. Traveling salesmen, tired masons, chirpy college students, drunk vagabonds, innocuous looking pick pockets, the hassled bus conductor, the horn happy driver, me continuously messaging a friend ... hmmm totally nostalgic about my college days ...
But of course i guess i am not cut out for a regular bus commute now ... i got my car back ... and i enjoy driving it around! What i'd love to do is repeat BMTC bus route hopping at least once a month so that i don't lose touch with the side of me that enjoys using public transport ... someday i might not have my car ... i might not even have a bike ... I should be constantly prepared to face all challenges that life throws at me!
Closing thought:
Thank you BMTC!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)