Perspectives Paradigms and Critical Thought

Flexing those muscles

2012-01-22T16:39:00.003+05:30

I stand guilty of not having flexed my muscles much for the past two years. Neither have I physically exercised well enough over the past two years nor have I written anything extremely creative ("creative" is a relative term). I stand guilty in my own court of not having done the two things that I think are quite important (though not the most important) for my own physical and mental well being.

First things first, life is going just great. Apart from a few medical scares in between and a few frustrating quarters at IIM Bangalore (thank God I am done with my PGSEM as of December 2011), everything else in my life seems to be interestingly poised. From a professional perspective, I got out of my comfort zone and made a risky move into the field of application engineering for Android. I think the pay offs are coming through. I have a great bunch of colleagues, been through one cycle of ramping up customers to bring out super products (check this) and most of all besides the technical competence that I am building up, I am also in-charge of a team of 11 contract engineers. My vision of creating a non-linear support model for Android customers will be tested in the coming year 2012. On the personal front, I think I know that I am not cut out to be a bachelor for the rest of my life and I look forward to being married to the pretty girl I have been in love with for the past three years. I have to move out of my comfort zone and convince my parents to bless this matrimony so that it actually fructifies before Christmas 2012.

Essentially what I am doing in 2012 is to move out of my comfort zone to get many long pending actions completed. Two important actions that I would like to do for sure

1. Exercise regularly

I have stopped using the elevators at office and at home. Walking up five flights of stairs is the first step I am taking to improve my health here.

Thinking of picking up a treadmill, since my work seems to keep me in office for more than 10 hours at a stretch usually.

Should go for a light jog in the afternoons in the office gym. I pay a membership fee that has been wasted for the past two years.

Stop eating red meat completely and cut down the usage of oil in food preparation that I am in control of.

Really give Yoga and meditation a shot ....

2. Write regularly

There are so many things I feel passionately about ... policy decisions, technology, philosophy ... I have got to start putting down my thoughts on paper (the virtual kind ...).

My writings should not just be technical or philosophical, I need to get back to writing stories, especially those that deeply explore human emotions and relationships.

Perhaps I should work freelance over the weekends for anybody who requires a copywriter ... really ambitious goal but possible perhaps ...

A few more resolutions that are slightly unrelated:

1. Figure out how to use Google+

2. Start using Twitter regularly (or at least periodically)

Well this is atleast a start after more than two years!

Beating those hospitalization blues - Part II

2009-10-30T23:04:00.009+05:30

This is the second part of my post. In case you missed part 1, you can read it here.

The points i am making in this post are concerned with non-critical yet important aspects of the hospital stay.

- Visitors: a source of joy /a source of suffering

There were two distinct phases that i went through, one in which i felt extremely good, almost normal ready to be discharged, and then the very next day back to square one with high fevers, heavy rigors (violent chills). On days when i felt normal i wanted to meet people, as many people as possible. Visitors were welcome, they provided me a connection with the social and professional life i enjoyed when i was outside the hospital. On days when i was sick i just longed for my immediate family, my girlfriend to be around; any other visitor was not welcome. I had one of my aunts, a catholic nun come by and stay for a few days. This lady was someone i was not very comfortable spending time with before due to a difference in philosophies. However having her around providing me spiritual and moral support changed my entire attitude towards visitors in general. I will be eternally grateful to all the people who visited me and helped in maintaining my link with the social life that is so important to me.

- Don't forget to entertain yourself and those around you ! :)
There is nothing that is more effective than a few well cracked jokes at strategic moments to elevate a sagging depressed mood. I had a few doctors from the urology department who had an awesome (and at times downright dirty) sense of humor which served me well :) ... I remember coming out of my first surgery in pain (the local anesthetic was wearing off) and in my delirious state asking my parents to keep me occupied with some form of conversation ultimately ending in a few wise cracks from both ends, a few from my parents and a few from me ... somehow the humor kept me from thinking of the pain. Towards the end of my stay in the hospital, on a day when i was feeling fit enough to walk down to the hospital book shop, i picked up a book - "Laughing With The Bishop" by J. Maurus and excellent source of jokes on the clergy which kept me good company for the rest of my stay in the hospital.

- Faith and spirituality - very helpful tools for theists
I am not a deeply religious person, but i do have faith in the presence of a personal god. In the context of my religion i found the chant of a prayer - the rosary - to have a very soothing effect on my frayed nerves. Besides this, reading the bible was another source of inspiration and strength. I would strongly recommend Psalm91 to anybody who is looking for a source of strength and believes in the healing power of prayer.I would also recommend a lovely book - "A source book of inspiration" by J. Maurus. This book is a good spiritual guide with numerous anecdotes, inspirational quotes and a quintessential dose of humor. Being admitted in a catholic run hospital i had access to a quiet peaceful chapel. When i was fit enough, towards the end of my stay, i made it a point to visit the chapel everyday in the morning for a few minutes and do some quiet meditation.

- For the active professional types/book worms: Sources of distraction
The last and possibly least important aspect of a hospitalization... I am an extremely active professional in a very dynamic and demanding industry (and company within this industry). I have also been a voracious reader, thinker and writer at different points in my life. Sitting idle in the hospital did me no good, so i got myself all the books that were lying on my shelf waiting to be finished (thankful to my parents for hauling them to and fro) and actually finished them. I also got myself a few technical books relevant to my interests and read through them too. Solving puzzles and complex mathematical problems was another source of distraction, though it does come with a caveat, it could be quite taxing mentally and may end up being a source of stress. Overall keeping myself distracted with my books and periods of deep introspection on technical matters helped in reducing the pain.

With this I end a personal account of what i would like to call a "soft reset" period of my life. Its been four months since i have been out and if i know one thing for sure, i never want to see the interiors of a hospital ever again!!!

Beating those hospitalization blues - Part I

2009-10-17T19:26:00.015+05:30

In the recent past i had the (mis)fortune of having to spend close to 43 days hospitalized and had the distinction of being classified and discharged as a patient with "Pyrexia of Unknown Origin" (more on this condition here).

This post is not about my clinical or physical condition, nor is it intended to go deep into the medical technicalities best left to be discussed in the consultation rooms of able minded physicians of the world. This is just a post to remind myself of the psychological experience, the trauma faced by me (the patient) and my parents (the attendants) and perhaps help out others who find themselves in a similar situation. If i were to make this post sound more dramatic then i would name it - "How to mentally survive more than 40 days of hospitalization"!

I have split this post into two parts. The first part (that is this one) emphasizes on the points that i feel are the most relevent and important with respect to surviving the hospital stay. The second part covers aspects that make sure that survival happens with a certain amount of fun and a happier psychological predisposition.

- The truth is you really can't be that strong

The most oft repeated words of advice when you are hospitalized would probably contain the following phrases - "take courage", "be strong", "don't worry", " stop worrying". These words will be used with the best intentions by friends and relatives.
The truth remains that it boils down to what you are feeling inside your head. On the 21st day while i was suffering with a temperature of 104F something snapped inside my head, death felt like a preferable alternative. Convinced that i am on the path of certain death with a terrible disease i made a list of all my assets, liabilities, bank accounts, debt, investments (details i had never shared with anybody) and shared the details with my parents (who were taking care of me) telling them to expect the worst; a move that served to upset my parents badly!
Perhaps i was overreacting, but then a long stint in the hospital can have a debilitating effect on the morale, however optimistic we are in the "normal" world. There will be periods where it seems like things are getting better, and then suddenly things are back to what they were or perhaps worse. This roller coaster ride is what is causes the maximum damage, the remaining sections outline the best way by which a long stint at the hospital can be dealt with.

- Having a good support system helps - parents are invaluable

The most important people in the case of a long hospitalization are the people who take care of you and the support system that sustains them (friends and relatives). My parents were my biggest source of support, or should i say the only source. This happened mainly because visitation was limited due to the high risk of infection. At times like this paternal instincts come out most strongly. My dietary needs, my clinical needs, literally all my needs had to be taken care of my parents and if not for them surviving the ordeal would have been impossible.
Being able to talk to friends and colleagues is another important support system. Having the cell phone next to me and being able to make and receive calls proved to be a good source of support from a mental perspective.
One of the most important aspects of my recovery was the conversations i would have with my girlfriend. The ability to talk to her, share her life and my life through a telephonic conversation had a very positive effect on my mental state. Just the thought of listening to her voice was enough to make me feel better and actually talking to her made me feel mentally and physically relaxed.

- Communicating with the doctors and medical staff is extremely important

The single most important person from a medical staff point of view is the doctor who is handling your case. The resident doctors and the staff nurses are equally important, but it is most important that every single symptom both physiological and psychological is communicated with utmost clarity to the big one. Nothing is insignificant. A slight involuntary twitch of the eye, a bout of heavy sweating, a few dry coughs, everything has some significance to the doctor. If the patient is not able to keep track of these, atleast the attendant should. Case in point, one day my aunt noticed that the whites of my eyes were really white, no traces of any blood vessels, I ignored this point while the doc was on his rounds, however my aunt persisted and communicated this to the doctor who then did a thorough re-examination recommended some tests just to ensure that things were all OK. Needless to say those tests did return some problems that were minor but required immediate attention.

To be continued ...

Dealing with people

2008-10-02T19:38:00.008+05:30

"You cannot control the way in which people around you behave, but what you can control is your reaction to it."
[Definitely stated by someone before me :)]

There are two ways in which you can deal with people, the reactive and the proactive way.

At one extreme, domineering people tend to be proactive in their dealings, they don't usually take any form of feedback and deal with people and situations in a manner that they deem best.

At the other extreme are highly oppressed people who behave in the most obsequious way; being completely reactive in their way of dealing with people and situations.

I feel most "balanced" people fit in a zone between these two extremes. The obvious question that comes to my mind is where do i fit in?

After a lot of introspection i have come to a conclusion on the position that i would like to take in my life.

While dealing with the people i care about - my family, my friends - i would like to have a higher fraction of reactive responses than proactive resposes ... i want to listen to them, react to what they have to say, or feel, get proactive only when required. This is an extremely difficult objective to achieve (been trying it for a few weeks ...it is quite a daunting task to achieve the ideal that i have stated). I like to believe that i have a large amount of patience when i deal with people and situations, but now i realize that i have to have a lot more patience than what i believe i have had. There has to be an inner calm, a tranquil place that exists within my psyche that enables this kind of an approach.

At a professional level i want to have a balanced approach, a one is to one split between the reactive and proactive responses. Alongside the inner tranquility for my calm reactive nature i need to have a raging inferno for a fiery proactive response. This will serve me well in the long run provided i use the right combination of responses in my professional dealings. I might need to be a reactive inferno at times and at times be a calm proactive element!

It is not easy to be "balanced" in this sense, yet i have to work hard to achieve the right blend in my response to the situations and people that life throws at me!

Happiness and Unhappiness!

2008-06-06T20:57:00.009+05:30

Phew ... I am recuperating from a fever after more than a year of good health!!!

I guess it was expected ... the stress and excitement of the past few months. The stress of managing relationships (not necessarily painful! happy relationships could also cause stress!!!!) and professional commitments, the excitement of knowing that i am entering the most critical phase of my career with an admit in the PGSEM course at IIMB.

Or perhaps the cause is just my foolish attitude to stay on at the IIM campus, not sleep till the early hours of morn and get drenched in the first monsoon showers without a care in the world ... Damn it, tis a don't care, what matters is that I managed to get a good two and a half days of rest and sleep, something that my body needed real bad.

Professionally i find my work as fulfilling as it was, everyday presents a new opportunity for me to expand my horizons, learn new things and influence people around me. Given the context of my professional life, the PGSEM course at IIMB should fit in with ease. Volunteer work continues to keep my mind sharp; my continuing association with Janaagraha on CAP and WISA programs, and the start of a new season with the TI India Foundation on the Jack Kilby science and technology quiz 2008 - things that i look forward to.

As always a fever brings about a period of uncontrolled thoughts, the mind races along vectors that the conscious would otherwise normally mask. A lot of thoughts crossed my mind about the women i have loved, the women who have loved me, and the expectations i have had from them and myself in the context of the relationship we have shared; expectations that are fulfilled and unfulfilled. Thoughts of whether i am truly happy, truly sad or just pretending to be both and feeling neither...

I have come to accept the fact that the root cause of unhappiness in relationships are unfulfilled expectations. From my personal experiences i have realized, what makes me unhappy, angry and frustrated is all those expectations that I have had (probably have!) that were never fulfilled. Instead of focusing on what made me happy in the relationship, i focus on what made me sad, angry and frustrated.

Not anymore, no more expectations of any kind in a relationship. I am happy living the way i want to live without setting up these expectations. The only reason i should be unhappy is if i don't live up to expectations that I set for myself. Looking back at my life and relationships I have shared, I think in every relationship of mine I have met or exceeded the expectations that i have set of me! I should be overjoyed! And yet there is something fundamentally wrong in living only by my expectations. What if the other person is totally unhappy inspite of no wrong doing on my part?

Hmmm ... relationships are complex things, I am setting a new metric to measure my happiness and satisfaction in a relationship. As long as I make the other person happy in every way possible to the best of my ability I will consider my part in the relationship to be consummated. To this end i will give without expecting anything in return.

I feel at peace with myself, a long period of thinking has culminated in this new direction that i set for myself, whether it is right or flawed, only time will tell!

For now it seems to be the path that has kept me happy in the recent past. I have been truly happy for most part of the last four weeks! I intend to be happy, happier, happiest (if possible) and spread the joy ... to quote St. Francis of Assisi ... "For it is in giving that we receive ..."

BMTC bus rides!

2008-02-29T13:00:00.005+05:30

Its been five years since i bought my bike and thus ended my dependence on the public transport system. Other than one or two occasional rides on a BMTC bus between two or three stops, i have not tested the public transport system of Bangalore for the above mentioned period.

All of this changed early this week when i had to leave my (beloved Fiat Palio 1.6 sport :D !) car for it regular servicing at the service station that is at the other end of the city as compared to my office. The service adviser was kind enough to drop me at the nearest bus stop with the following words "you will easily get an auto to your office from here sir".

As i walked towards an empty auto close by, something snapped inside my mind, in a split second the decision was taken, no auto for this ride back, it was going to be good ol' BMTC's bus ride for me. And to as if to prove a point, at that very instant a partially empty BMTC bus drew up alongside the bus shelter. No looking back, two connecting buses and 90 minutes later i was in my office after a ride that was not half as bumpy and stressful as an auto ride!

Speaking of BMTC (bangalore metropolitan transport corporation) , this urban transport body or Bangalore city has improved by leaps and bounds. When i was in school i remember traveling by BMTC buses and dreading the entire process of traveling in those overcrowded red monstrosities. By the time i had reached college there was a sea of change in the way in which BMTC operated, the buses were painted a pleasant white and blue, the frequency of almost all routes were increased to a decent level, the buses were so much more commuter friendly with bucket seats, pneumatic doors and a host of other general improvements. It was a thrill to get to college everyday with my student pass enabling a number of "bus hop - save time" adventures. Those were the days. Recently after the introduction of air conditioned Volvo buses, i have been envying BMTC commuters who get to travel in comfort and luxury with LCD TV's and radio stations playing out, and I have the unenviable task of navigating my car through Bangalore traffic! All said and done, BMTC is still not exactly the ideal urban transport corporation, it does have its drawbacks vis-a-vis frequency of routes, capacity etc., but i am confident that at some point of time in the future they would meet citizen expectations in every way possible.

What excited me the most was the ride back home, a journey which involved a route change and multi-hop policy - back to good old college days. On the way home i had the conductor on one of the buses giving me gyaan on the internal electronics of cell phones, this after he had enquired about which company i work for and what my current area of expertise is! (currently multimedia audio and speech in cell phone systems is my area of expertise) What amazed me is how comfortable he was in speaking to me and how comfortable i was in listening to him :)! Making easy conversation with complete strangers on the bus was something i enjoyed in my college days :) ... it felt like i was back in college ....

The high point of the bus ride was good old route No. 201. Route No. 201, the hallowed bus route, the mother of all routes on the BMTC network, the bus route that i have used most extensively in my college days. All those familiar sights, sounds and smells. Traveling salesmen, tired masons, chirpy college students, drunk vagabonds, innocuous looking pick pockets, the hassled bus conductor, the horn happy driver, me continuously messaging a friend ... hmmm totally nostalgic about my college days ...

But of course i guess i am not cut out for a regular bus commute now ... i got my car back ... and i enjoy driving it around! What i'd love to do is repeat BMTC bus route hopping at least once a month so that i don't lose touch with the side of me that enjoys using public transport ... someday i might not have my car ... i might not even have a bike ... I should be constantly prepared to face all challenges that life throws at me!

Closing thought:
Thank you BMTC!

A sabbatical that ends ...

2008-02-03T23:59:00.000+05:30

It has been a long time since i collated my thoughts and brought them out in cyberspace. A number of things have transpired since.

I have (almost) independent charge of audio in the GGE (GSM,GPRS,EDGE) segment of mobile platforms at my workplace. My car is all fixed up, shining and as pleasurable as ever, i have paid the price of the catastrophic accident in the form of a court hearing and fine. I have lost love. I have stopped eating rice soup for breakfast. I have acted in a "real" theater production staged at Rangashankara in Bangalore and a frivolous yet fun skit at work, besides directing one myself! My dad retired from his job and is back with the family after fifteen years ..........

Gosh my mind is awash with the incidents that have transpired in the time since my last post. From a sense of euphoric enthusiasm in my personal and professional life i have moved into a phase where i feel lackadaisical in my personal life and am running at a near frantic pace of advancement in my professional life.

This period has been one of growth and self realization. I have learnt a lot of things about me and the way in which i deal with people. I have discovered that i could be dispassionately ruthless to people whom i care about and love in case i wish to achieve something that my heart absolutely desires. I have realized that i do allow my heart to rule my mind in matters where it should not. I have realized that i can become near childlike and carefree without a trace of the mature and wise facade that i normally wear, in the company of the woman i'd love. I have grown to accept the fact that i do not have the maturity that i thought i possessed. I have also grown to accept the truth that i have not yet become mature in an experiential sense.

The movie Good Will Hunting brought about a period of intense thought, something that i had not felt for a long time (or rather the first bit of intense thought that i can publish online in more than a year). The Robin Williams monologue on the importance of "the experience" in shaping one's wisdom and maturity was like a revelation akin to finding light at the end of the tunnel. Often in the past one year i have wondered why am i being put through the things i experience when i dont deserve a lot of it. And lo and behold Robin Williams (in a way its the writers - ben affleck and matt damon and not robin williams) had the answer i was seeking ... its because everything that has transpired has added to a treasure chest that i need to pocess called experiential wisdom a treasure chest from which i can draw considerable amounts at crucial times in the future.

I have changed ... and i will keep changing ... and the only comforting fact is that i change so that things get better for me, the people who live and exist in my circle of influence and people who will come into my circle of influence at a later point in life ...

Resilience

2006-12-18T23:25:00.000+05:30

The past week has been a revelation.

I have never had a more myriad sense of emotions and experiences both on the personal and professional front.

Let me start off with the professional, to me the most insignificant of them all. The second package that is being sent out of my team in a new project. I had always wondered how could i get the respect of my team members, esp. the contractors who work with our team. It happened. One or two brilliant thoughts, a few clever thinking troubleshooting stunts later, i could feel the respect that they have for me. They do not revere my knowledge, but they definitely respect me as a peer. It feels good to know that i am respected for my skill, a first for me in my professional career. I look forward to honor the respect and trust they have shown in me...

On the personal front, i have had a veritable roller coaster ride of emotions, from the euphoric heights of falling in love to the depths of depression and frustration in dealing with governmental agencies, i have seen despair, fear, light, hope, friendship, and love.

In the process i have just realized how resilient i have become to changing circumstances ... a few years ago, a week with just a fraction of the experiences of my previous week \would have left me physically and mentally exhausted ... i am surprised at the speed at which i have bounced back to almost normality .... (i am still depressed about the damages to my car .... and still euphoric in every sense ! )

I feel light hearted and at the same time i feel like i have just gone through a second moulting in my life ... the new year holds so much promise for me ... i cant help but pray that all goes the way i wish it does ... !!!!

As always sleep takes its toll on the length of this post ....!!!!!h

Life, the universe and a star gazing trip

2006-11-30T23:18:00.000+05:30

consciousness : -

Consciousness is a quality of the mind generally regarded to comprise qualities such as subjectivity, self-awareness, sentience, sapience, and the ability to perceive the relationship between oneself and one's environment.

- source Wiki

Was recently on a star gazing trip o Hampi inKarnataka, India. For those in Bangalore who have not been to Hampi, get there on the first chance that you get. It was a mind blowing experience ...the ruins... the history ... the feeling of pride.

The real intention of the trip , which was done with the Bangalore Astronomical Society, was to have a clear sky for a great night of sky observations. We had brilliantly clear skies from 8 pm to 12 am after which all observations were hampered the heavy cloud cover.

It was amazing to just lie on my back and look up at the clear sky. It used to be a real pleasurable activity for me when i was a kid; it was a form of pleasure that i had forgotten.
A few deep and profound thoughts struck me as i gazed deep into the cosmos ...

I am so insignificant from a physical point of view in the grand scheme of things ... I mean the sheer physical magnitude of the universe makes my physical being a very insignificant entity of existence.

However ... what is the magnitude of the universe? The whole notion of existence and the magnitude of the universe is directly linked to my consciousness. If my consciousness did not exist, the universe and everything else also would not...

And then suddenly it struck me ... one of the most important aspect of my existence is my consciousness ... perhaps it "is" the cornerstone of my existence. I exist and i am aware of my existence because of my consciousness. So the whole universe gets its meaning through an individuals consciousness ... Does that make the individual the central theme of creation from a personal perspective?

The "self" is an important thing. The whole universe has an existence in my consciousness ...

These were some deep and profound thoughts ... they have given me one or two sleepless nights ... i continue to think about them ... I think i have a lot more to learn about existence and my consciousness ...

For now i am conscious that i am sleepy :) .....

Feeling very light headed and hearted today

2006-10-09T23:27:00.000+05:30

I dunno why is it that i am feeling so light and happy right now ... maybe its the excellent fish i had for dinner ... maybe it was the company i had at dinner ... maybe its just the weather ... i dunno ... i dont care ... i love the feeling ...

I had not been feeling well over the past one week and in between the important event of presenting my first technical paper accepted at a pulic forum ... the only thing that i could afford to do was sleep and think ... think about life ... existence and the good effects of prayer.

Prayer ... the one word that brings religiosity to mind ... a man who prays is considered to be a complete religious "holy holy" guy ... i think not!

When i was struggling with a 103 temperature and i just couldn't get to sleep due to the myriad paths my hallucinating mind was taking, i decided to try out something interesting.... i closed my eyes and started a chant .... it was just a rendition of the holy rosary ... something we have been doing as a family since as far as i can remember ... it was more of a chant than a real prayer .... and it worked like a beauty ...

No my fever did not come down .... but i could feel my senses and thoughts collating and coming to focus ... the chant was helping my mind calm down so that i could get my much needed sleep ... in the proces i realized the much maligned truth about prayer ... its the best mental tool known to man since times immemorial ...

A prayer (not necessarily to god...) can be anything from a heartfelt outpouring to a senseless chant is a mental tool that people use for reassurance, refocussing and invogorating the inner soul ... if seen from the right perspective i think prayer is a life enhancing tool ...

Personally i prefer the chanting path of prayer ... the rosary has become so much of a habit that i chant it everyday rather than actually mean it when said in unison with the family ... During the course of the chant ... my mind wanders on multiple paths ... looking deep into my subconscious ... i find peace and tranquility , i find out what troubles me ... what makes me ecstatic ... my innermost plans for myself ... my dreams and aspirations ... my likes my dislikes ... my love and my hate ... i am actually self aware as if i were cast on stage with all the spotlights on me and the world watching on ...

Anyway ... this momentous feeling i felt helped me sleep well that night and tide over my first major sickness in three years ...

I dont feel any more religious or pious ... rather i feel at peace and content with myself ... and i think i understand why peple pray ... they may be doing out of peity, but the real reason is somwhere deep down inside it is aiding them to be more self aware of themselves ... and that is what is necessary to lead an enlightened life ....

And ofcourse its good to be back at work with wonderful plans for my future ... i hope i continue to remain as optimistic and upbeat as this all my life ... i owe it to me and the society in which i live...

Just had to put this up

2006-09-18T23:27:00.000+05:30

Follow the link:

The homeless of SanFransisco

Every picture there tells a story of poverty in SanFransisco ...

I hope every visitor to my blog reads atleast some of the stories behind these pictures ....

THis link got me thinking ... if there is a story behind the poor homeless in a city like SF ... how many more should be found in the cities of Inida ????

Its one of those picture sets on the net that is going to give me a sleepless night ... as i ponder and contemplate on the relative affluence in which i live ...

Life is unfair ... I've got to learn to accept it ... it is unfair in my favour tonight ....

The purpose of existence

2006-08-19T17:37:00.000+05:30

Purpose-
n. The object toward which one strives

source : www.dictionary.com

The purpose of existence is something over which i have been mulling ever since I had been to the last installment of the matrix trilogy.

Is it so that everything that exists has to have some purpose, some functionality that it has to fulfil? Does there exist a purpose for the existence of lifeless entities ?

Come to think of it inanimate entities are given a purpose only in the context of human existence. That brings me to the conclusion that while trying to define the purpose of existence of anything, we have to take it in the context of human existence...

And that brings me to the point of human existence, what is the purpose of human existence?

Is my purpose of existence just the justification of the things around me. Can this question be answered without bringing in religion?

In christian philosophy, man is considered to be created by god in his own image ... thus defining the purpose of human existence as a manifestation of god, where a human being should strive to attain god like perfection. I see this extended in the philosophy of karma and moksha in hindusim.

My quest for an objective answer devoid of religion took me to google :) ... and the specific query "the purpose of human existence" ...

"As far as we can discern,
the sole purpose of human existence
is to kindle a light of meaning
in the darkness of mere being."
-- Carl Gustav Jung

Interesting point ... but what is "mere being" ...

I have seemingly opened a whole new avenue of philosophising ... There are so many theories out there; religious and non religious, and i have a lifetime to find out what is the purpose of my existence ...

There is more to come ...

Burn Out???

2006-07-05T22:51:00.000+05:30

I have found a new potential enemy in my professional and personal life . This guy is at par with "complacence", though i have not yet had a full blown encounter with him ... He exhausts the fuel that drives you and is aptly named BURN OUT!

Up until a few months ago 'burnout' was a term i associated with sport prodigies. In my early schooling days i have had the privilege of studying with some of the best sporting talent in the country. True to their talent these guys, at that point of time, rose up to number 1 positions in their respective fields, only to be lost in oblivion today at this point of time. Did they peak too early burning out or is it so that they were never meant to be in it for the long run.

OVer the past week i have tried to define burn out in a broader sense after a very close friend of mine warned me that the amount of time i spend at work might lead to a burn out. I think my boss has gone through one phase of burn out ... over the past one month it has affected his efficiency at work, i am in no position to comment on his personal life, but going by my analysis a professional burnout has to have its repurcussions on the personal side of life too.

Of late i have been putting in long hours at work. Not out of pressure, but because work is interesting and challenging. However i have to remind myself that i am in life for the long run, and not to suffer minor unecessary burn outs that will hamper my progress.

Bangalore ...

2006-04-16T22:52:00.000+05:30

I have had a chance to be a part of a community titled "Bangalore is Full. Go Home !!" on Orkut. Its description is interesting ...

This is a community for all those true blooded, hardcore Bangloreans who believe that people from outside Bangalore, who come and settle down here are the ones who should be majorly held responsible for the recent collapse in infrastructure, bad traffic amongst other negative developments in the city. Facilities originally created for us are being exploited by non-Bangloreans. Growing up in this wonderful city, we knew how this place was 10-15 years ago..or more. We feel extremely attached to this place and we express our hatred and anger towards all those 'immigrants' here who are bringing about the city's downfall!!..Come on in and express your solidarity as a Hardcore Banglorean.. and for all you wimps at heart.. stay away!!
P.S: If you are gonna delete your post after you get owned, please do not join this community. Some pussies have done that earlier and thats why this last line!

Personally i find some of the statements too radical and racist ... like "We feel extremely attached to this place and we express our hatred and anger towards all those 'immigrants' here who are bringing about the city's downfall!!" I am not yet a blatant racist ... and so i do not agree with this point ... yet i do agree with the fact that to a large extent the ills that have befallen bangalore are a consequence of outsiders who come in to bangalore ... grabbing high paying IT and ITES jobs ... they do nothing productive for the city ... dont treat the city as their own ... since anyway within a few years they are going to quit their jobs and go back to wherever it is that they have come from.

I thought there were some enlightened souls in this community who were truly trying to make a change to Bangalore ... make a point that people who come in must integrate into the local culture ... but maybe i am wrong in my assessment.

I believe that there should be atleast a minimum integration into the local culture ... i.e. the learning of the local language ... atleast upto a "spoken" level. This will make the people of bangalore realize that people who come into bangalore are not here just for the jobs ... but are here to be a part of the community ... It is not an easy task and this is an objective that can be achieved over time without compromising on the "cosmopolitan" nature of the city.

Getting back to this community ... there are a lot of discussion threads on this community that are directed against "outsiders" particularly the north indian commmunitites that are coming into bangalore ... most of the threads are abusive with local members just abusing the skin off the impetuous "northie" who dares to post anything that is percieved to be anti-local. I have tried something interesting ... a sort of experiment ... to check if this community is really all about some serious work or just a place for people to let out hot air ....

I have started a thread that outlines ways in which kannada can be taught to people who have come from outside bangalore to settle in bangalore ... It is on a serious note and is meant to get some of the bright sparks to come out with creative and innovative ideas.

15 minutes after i started the thread ... there were 5-6 posts on the "bash northie/immigrant" threads whereas my thread had not even recieved a single hit. This is making me wonder ... are the creators of this communityand its ardent members here to just blow hot air or seriously make a difference to bangalore ... I am going to wait for a few more days before i pass my judgement ...

The forgotten genre

2006-04-16T22:44:00.000+05:30

Completely forgot about the animated movies :) ... Tom and Jerry ... Ice Age ... Shark Tale ...

Now that is a genre that defies age boundaries ... just got off watching shark tale ... and if you are reading this post laugh at this dialogue ... imagine it being said in will smith style :)

"Yo sykes! My brother from another mother ! " .... muhuaaahaahaa ......

My changing view on atheists and atheism

2006-03-29T20:05:00.000+05:30

It has been long since I have been contemplating a post on this topic. In the past year or so I have been thinking deeply about my religious obligations, my spirituality and the relevance that these hold for other people in their lives. One contentious issue that I had very strong opinions on was the issue of atheism.

I believed that atheists were just ignoramus idiots.

A little background on my personal journey through the quagmire of faith and GOD.

There was a time in my life when I decided that the best way by which I could avoid the Sunday mass was by declaring myself an atheist. I was hell bent on working towards this goal in my life. Somewhere in between my plan towards achieving this goal a thought struck me. Before I announce my atheism to the world let me search for GOD and when I DON'T find him after my search I can confidently make my transition to atheism without any religious nut telling me I have not searched for GOD. To cut long stories short, in my quest for GOD I somehow managed to rebuild my faith and I just could not come to the conclusion that GOD does not exist ... (and yes though I am not completely dogmatic, I do attend Sunday mass every week).

After this realization of my faith in the existence of GOD I decided that any person who claims to be an atheist should be able to substantiate his atheism by giving concrete evidence that he failed in his quest to find GOD, i.e, he actually went searching for GOD :) ....

What I would have wanted to ask an atheist is "Have you succeeded in finding reasons why GOD does not exist after having gone searching for him or is it so that you have succeeded in finding reasons for not finding GOD and therefore disproved his existence?"

My opinion has changed ... somewhat drastically of late (actually the past two days ...). It all boils down to faith. The common denominator between believers and atheists is faith. Believers have faith in the existence of GOD and atheists have faith in the non-existence of GOD, period.

It is very difficult to get a straightforward objective answer to matters related to faith, and that is because of the personal nature of this attribute of human beings. I am strong in my faith in the existence of GOD, and an atheist is a true atheist if and only if he is strong in his faith in the non-existence of GOD, after all faith as i have defined it for myself is my personal belief of the truth...

Sucker for mushy movies ?

2006-03-25T12:57:00.000+05:30

Two weeks ago, I finally got to see Pretty Woman from the beginning till the end without any interruption. And i thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I totally and thouroughly enjoy these mushy romantic light hearted comedies more than any other genre of cinema.

I dont understand why is it so that i enjoy mushy cinema but i cant stand books that fall in this genre (the mushy light hearted romantic ones). When it comes to books, my preference leans towards mystery, edge of the seat action and roaring comedies, heavily mushy books are a complete turn off.

Does this indicate that my preferences are putting me in the category of people who are well balanced, or is it just so that i need to get more patient at reading books and get a nice hi fidelity home theatre system to watch my movies :)..... !!!!

A small change in attitude

2006-02-28T22:15:00.000+05:30

The first three moths of work was a period that i would best describe as euphoric ... the money was great , the work light and the "wow" factor of working for TI had not yet come down.

The next two months was like the dark ages ... i felt out of place ... was struggling like a fish out of water. It was not a baptism by fire ... though the heat was definately on. Well i did emerge well baked ... (self assessment). From Jan work has been quite smooth ... but i felt that on the personal front i was not able to achieve any of the goals i was setting for myself.

My state of affairs has taken a turn for the better since the past two weeks. I have changed my attitude towards work. I have made Job related activities the core thing on which i spend my effecient time periods at office. Setting up VPN connectivity from home has helped too. I make a schedule of the goals i wish to achieve for the day that are in line with the goals i have set for the week tha are in turn aligned with the plan i have set for six months ... whew !!

I think the change that is impacting me in such a great manner is the fact that i am attempting to get more organized and succeding at it.

Reflecting on the past, i think one of the biggest impediments to my personal and academic growth has been my lack of organization and planning. I was more of a JIT person (just/jest in time) . Not a spontaneous bloke ... just a last minute fire fighter ... and a darned good one at that. But being a good fire fighter is not the best approach to what i wish to achieve in the long run. Forget fighting fires, i am good at that, now i need to be in a position to prevent the fires that might flare up, and that is where being organized is important.

I hope to continue maturing in the aspect of planning out things in my life. At the same time i should never forget to be spontaneous in my approach too. Flexibility, spontaneaty and productive change should complement my newfound resolve to plan out my activities.

There are four vectors that i have identified along which i should grow for the next two years. 1) Multimedia 2) Systems 3) Management 4) Personal. The order stated above is not indicative of any sort of priority. All vectors are imporant and and equal and rapid growth along each of them is important to achieve professional competence and personal satisfaction.

I need to plan my activities along these vectors, setting acheivable goals. These vectors may seem skewed in favour of my professional side, however after deep thought i am convinced that for the next two years it is my professional development that matters more.

1) Multimedia -> my bread and butter at work . I need to develop a high level of competence in digital audio and video principles.

2) Systems -> not my bread and butter ... but very very interesting. Being aware of systems, hardware and supporting tools has never hurt.

3) Management -> the binding glue. Very important from a personal and professional perspective. This includes process adherence at work and balancing out my activities at home.

4) Personal -> i should never forget friends family and myself. Spending some quality time on these three aspects of this vector is extremely important.

This is a reminder blog. I hope to be reminded continuously of what it is that i have set out to achieve for myself.

Intellectuals

2006-01-28T00:03:00.000+05:30

The world is getting intelluctual. I mean 'the world'. Everybody is a bloody intellectual ...

Intellectual bloody hypocrites ...

.... and I am among them ... 'the world' ....

2006-01-27T00:16:00.000+05:30

I have been reading a lot of web logs (blogs) of late and i have come to admire the openess with hich people are willing to put up their personal thougts in public. I feel i should blog more often.
But what is the focus of my blog ... i have defined it in my first post a few months ago, Now i am not sure if those descriptions remain valid.

I was just mulling over a few things today and i thought that a blog post was mandated.

Am I a person who is in control of his anger?

I like to describe myself as a 'relatively calm' person. But i know that it is probably not what is percieved. I get angry easily. I get angry easily with people whom i am familiar with. I am hyperactive at times ... i mumble the wrong things at times ... I tend to get very rude at times. The moot question is, am I right in my judgemnet about me and my anger? I am not a relatively calm person. I am an angry, unstable, bumbling human being. From now on i am going to try and become a stable and calm person. When I die ... i would rather be remembered as a 'relatively calm fellow' than 'flamboyant a**h***'.

That strange feeling of complacence again

2005-11-08T22:40:00.000+05:30

I thought about it a lot ... i am in a situation that led to the "low" years of my life; again.

Long ago when i was in school I had but one ambition - someday i would be the captain of my house. It came true. In the 12th standard i was selected to lead my house at FAPS ... Selected not elected (in FAPS, not very surprisingly, elections were not the way in which student body leaders were appointed). Well what could be wrong ... its great news... my dream come true. Well the precise problem was i had forgotten to dream beyond that. Here i was at the pinnacle of my achievements with no idea whatsoever as to where i wanted to go beyond that.

It was the beginning of a period of low confidence and lack of vision in my life. The first two years of my engineering suffered the most because i just could not grasp the simple fact that i had to move on and set higher goals and get more ambitious (the fact that i did not stop working hard at academics was the only saving grace in my life). I have come to realize that the hubris of having achieved my ultimate ambition has lead to me losing out on lots of great opportunities in the four years of my engineering.

Well so here I am with a degree in telecom engg and a job at TI. And once again i have reached the next goal i had set for myself once i had recovered from my 'captaincy high' only to realize that once again i had forgotten to dream beyond.

Here I am with a dream job in TI and yet no goal or ambition to carry me further. I have spent the last few days in convincing myself that if i don't dream again soon i will probably be stuck here at this level of achievement whereas I have much greater expectations from life.

The only comforting thought I find here i that i have been able to identify the fact that i might fall into a dangerous routine of complacence once again and therefore i am probably better equipped this time to hand "that strange feeling again".

I have already started charting a new course ... and at this stage in my life it is more time consuming than my previous endeavors. The challenges that i set for myself this time carry greater importance. The goals i set for myself now will be critical and therefore the first step in my planning involves deciding how exactly should i plan. Should it be one single "large" goal and a one track approach ... or should it be several short term goals with no particular "large" goal multiple tracks hopefully leading somewhere ... or the most difficult approach of them all ... properly planning out several short term goals ... parallel tracks ... that lead to one ultimate goal ... an amalgamation of the tracks into one at a temporal point that i need to fix right now.

Some of these ideas are thoughts that have come off the top of my mind in the past one hour... one hour in which i have progressed from a clear minded person to a sleep craving IT employee...

I think i should allow sleep to win today....

My team and Work - I

2005-11-03T23:12:00.000+05:30

From now on i will publish a series of blogs that will focus on the environment at work and the team with which i am working at my first job.

Among my team mates are :

SPA - The functional manager - she is steeped in energy. Someday i hope to be able to lead a team the way she does.

RNM & KS - the tech leads - great people to work with. I have really no fears or inhibitions working with these people. These people are the ones making my work environment extremely conducive to continuous evolution in terms of personal development and technical knowledge repository.

JRK AR ARg BB PC - my contemporaries - though some are way too senior i find them very cooperative and easy to get along with. I admire certain qualities in each and every one of them.

The first phase of my career i intend to spend in imitation. The best and fastest way in which i can develop myself professionally is by the method of imitation. I intend to imitate the good practices that my contemporaries and managers are practicing and avoid practices that i feel would be detrimental to my advancement.

The stuff i am working on is intersting and challenging. But there is one thing that i have to remember. Everything is ephemeral. The only thing permanent is the character that i build for myself based on my experiences and the knowledge that i gain at work.

Team work and its relevance

2005-11-03T22:54:00.000+05:30

http://www.nilacharal.com/stage/katturai/team.html

This link will take you to the article that I am going to plagarize now.

Its a very interesting article on the need for team work and what teamwork means in the Indian context. The crab mentality of Indians seems to be well captured.

I found the very essence of all training on team work and group dynamics very well captured in this one article. Remember this article throughout any career.

Lack of teamwork and co-operation is one of the most serious problems affecting progress in all areas of India and wherever Indians work worldwide. The key problem in India is always implementation, not lack of policies. We have great policies and ideas about how to do things, but severely lacking teamwork.

When the Japanese came to work in India to develop the Maruti Suzuki car, a joke went around that one Indian was equal to 10 Japanese: Indians were very smart, capable and dedicated individuals. But 10 Indians were equal to 1 Japanese: Indians lacked team spirit and co-operation

What makes matters even worse is our "crab" mentality Ã– if someone is trying to climb higher and achieve more, the others just drag him down. The signal that the others send out is, " I wouldnÃ’t do it; I wouldnÃ’t let you do it; and if by change you start succeeding, we will all gang up and make sure that you donÃ’t get to do it."The question is: Where does this attitude come from, and how do we recognize and handle it?

Hierarchical System
Part of the problem is our cultural background. WeÃ’ve had feudal and a hierarchical social system in which whoever is senior supposedly knows best. This was fine in earlier times when knowledge and wisdom were passed on orally; but in modern society, there is no way that one person can know everything. Today, you may find that a young computer-trained person has more answers for an accounting problem than a senior accountant has. Until we understand how best to leverage this diversity of experience, we will not be able to create and fully utilize the right kind of teams.

Sam Pitroda:
In my younger days in the US, I attended an executive seminar for Rockwell International, where about 25 senior company executives had congregated for a week for strategic discussion. In the evenings, we would break out into five different groups of five people each. In those group workshops, someone would delegate tasks, saying: " You make coffee; you take notes; you are the chairman; and you clean the board" ;. The next day, there would be different duties for each group member. No one ever said, " But I made coffee twice or I cleaned the board entire day". I thought to myself, if this were happening in India, people would be saying, " But IÃ’m the senior secretary Ã– why should I make the coffee and you be the chairman?" Hierarchy comes naturally to our minds.

What Derails a Team?

Group work requires a thorough understanding of the strengths and weaknesses of individuals irrespective of their hierarchy. Because of our background, we often donÃ’t learn how to exercise and accept leadership- to lead and to follow Ã– simultaneously. Some gravitate toward exercising leadership, and others gravitate toward accepting the lead of others. But in true teamwork, everyone needs to do both.

Being a good team player implies respect for others, tolerance of different points of view and willingness to give. The ability to resolve conflicts without either egotism or sycophancy is a very important aspect of being a team player: You have to agree to disagree. I find that people in India somehow tend to focus on achieving total agreement, which is almost always impossible. So before work begins people want everyone to agree on everything instead they should say OK. This is what we agree on, so letÃ’s start working on this. What we donÃ’t agree on, we will resolve as we go along". For things to move forward, itÃ’s important to work on the agreed-upon aspects and not get bogged down in the areas of disagreement. Yet another snake that kills teamwork is peopleÃ’s political agendas. YouÃ’ve got to be open, clear and honest to be a good team player. Most people though, have a hidden agenda Ã– they say something but mean the exact opposite. I call it "split-level consciousness". To say and mean the same thing is a very critical part of a good work ethic.

Criticizing the individual or the idea?

When Sam was working in C-DOT (400 employee size company), If someone had not been doing well, Sam used to tell the person directly to his face in a general meeting. The employees said that was insulting and they should be pulled aside individually to be told of the inefficiency. But in today's world, you cannot afford to do that every time. Besides, Sam figured that criticizing someone in a meeting was for the benefit of all present, and everyone could learn from that individual's mistakes. It was then that Sam learned how Indians do not differentiate between criticizing an idea and criticizing an individual.

So in a group, if you tell someone that his idea is no good, he automatically takes it personally and assumes that you are criticizing him. No one can have a good idea everyday on every issue. If you disagree with my idea, that does not mean that you have found fault with me as a person. Thus, it is perfectly acceptable for anyone to criticize the boss - but this concept is not a part of the Indian System. So from time to time, it is important for an organization's Chief Executive to get a report on the psychological health of the firm. How do people in the team feel? Are they stable? Confident? Secure? Comfortable? These are the key elements of a team's success. For a boss to be comfortable accepting criticism from subordinates, he must feel good about himself. Self-esteem is a key prerequisite to such a system being successful.

Mental Vs. Physical Workers

Another serious problem facing India is the dichotomy and difference in respectability between physical and mental workers, which seriously affects team performance.
Mr. Sam had a driver named Ram, who he thought was one of the best drivers in the world. He used to open the door for him whenever he entered or exited the car. Right in the first few days Sam told him " Ram bhai, you are not going to open the door for me. You can do that If I lose my hands". Ram almost started crying. He said, " Sir, what are you saying? This is my job!" Sam told him that I didn't want to treat him like a mere driver. He had to become a team player. Sam told him that whenever he was not driving, he should come into office and help out with office work - make copies, file papers, send faxes, answer phone call or simply read - rather than sit in the car and wait for me to show up.

Diversifying tasks increases workers' self-esteem and motivation and makes them team players. Now, even If Sam calls him for work in the middle of the night, he is ready - because Sam respects him for what he does. Team Interactions unfortunately, when good teams do get created, they almost invariably fall apart. In our system today it is very difficult to build teams because nobody wants to be seen playing second fiddle. It is very hard in India to find good losers. Well, you win some and you lose some. If you lose some, you should move on! You don't need to spend all your time and energy of different cultural backgrounds, religions, ethnicities and caste groups - a fertile ground of diversity in the workplace. We should actually be experts in working with diversity. But it can only happen when we get rid of personal, caste and community interests.

There could be a 40-year-old CEO with a 55-year-old VP. It has nothing to do with age; capability and expertise are what counts. But you don't yet see these attitudes taking hold in India. Managers in the US corporate environment who work with Indians - and in fact, with Asians in general - need to recognize that these individuals have a tendency to feel that they are not getting recognition or are not being respected. It must be realized that these individuals have lower self-esteem to begin with and therefore have to be pampered and encouraged a little more because they need it. This makes them feel better and work better. No Substitute for Teamwork. Teamwork is key to corporate and national governance, and to get anything done.
The fundamental Issues are respect for others, openness, honesty, communication, willingness to disagree, resolution of conflict, and recognition that the larger goal of the team as a whole rumps Individual or personal agendas.

Don't be afraid of pressure.

Remember that Pressure is what turns a lump of coal into a diamond.

relationship - my single status

2005-10-02T23:31:00.000+05:30

Strange - i never expected to feel bad about the fact that i am single; but today i did. I am missing a relationship.

For more than four years now (reaching five) i have been single. I thought i would wait for the right one and not hurry things up in any way. Today i feel that i have been taking it a little too slow or rather i have not been trying to make any effort whatsoever.

I am probably ready for a relationship now. I think I have matured enough over the last five years. However a relationship with me is going to be a very tough thing to keep up for the mod women/girl of today. Actually the above statment need not be true cause i have not been in a relationship of any sort to validate that point.

I dont think i will see myself in a relationship in the immediate future but i do feel that sometime soon (i'd say the near future) there is going to be something amazing that is going to happen.

This time in my life i will be ready for that something amazing and hoping to truly enrich my life from it.

Thoughts on Work - Jargons !????? !

2005-09-25T20:13:00.000+05:30

Yeah the title says it all. Its all about jargons now.

Being a techie has a big negative impact on my communications outside office. Some might say that there are no "issues" there since its all a part of English and the ultimate meaning is the same. But i believe that my use of techie jargons just reduces my communicative effectiveness in the normal world. (i dont imply that as a techie i live in an abnormal world).

The problem seems to be that the use of these jargons in office has not been of any help to me either. Its probably due the fact that i am still fresh out of college and my "ramp" up is still in progress. In any case i am sure that i will have to evolve a stratergy that will increase the effectiveness of my communication without the excessive use of jargons.

There is one piece of advice that i have found to be very useful - "love the job that you do more than the company that you work for". As much as you may love your company, if you are not performing at your job the company is most likely to kick you out. I seem to love my job as of now. I am in awe of my company no doubt, I will have to somehow create a healthy mix of love for my job and respect for my company.

I need to organize myself better at work. i need to cut down on the clutter. Ways in which i am implementing this will probably be the content of my future blogs

Why do people make it to where they are ...

2005-08-19T17:56:00.000+05:30

It is highly improbable that new hires at any company get to meet their business unit heads within three weeks for a round table discussion. I had the rare privilege of meeting my head Mr. BH today. The man seems to be very very competent.

What struck me the most about the man is his simplicity in appearance and his firm attitude. He seems to be gauging the inherent potential that could be used to launch the business unit towards greater achievements.

One of the complaints that John Whitney seemed to have about TII was that we Indians seemed to miss out on the big picture. We are so preoccupied with the smaller issues we tend to overlook the big picture which is just as important.

Mr BH seems to be in tune with the big picture besides being in touch with the lower echelons of his staff. I hope to prosper under his leadership and the mentorship of my team.

We probably need more visionary leaders like MR. BH

A thought on risk

2005-07-16T17:37:00.000+05:30

I just had an insight into my approach to risks.

I do not live life reckless. I do take risks but only risks that come under the "acceptable risk" category albeit an acceptable risk at a personal level.

So what is acceptable risk:

"The level of loss a society or community considers acceptable given existing social, economic, political, cultural, technical and environmental conditions.

In engineering terms, acceptable risk is also used to assess structural and non-structural measures undertaken to reduce possible damage at a level which does not harm people and property, according to codes or "accepted practice" based, among other issues, on a known probability of hazard."

source: http://www.unisdr.org/eng/library/lib-terminology-eng%20home.htm

ISDR = International Statergy for Disaster reduction.

What are the criteria that i choose to put events in the "acceptable risk" category in my life ?

At a personal level i assess an event to be in this category if and only if the probablity of failure or something going drastically wrong is 10% i.e. i should be 90% sure that at the end of the action that i take there is a 90% chance that i come out clean.

However this does not mean that I view all events at the same level. Sometimes i do take brazen risks i.e. knowing fully well i shall never be able to contain the repurcussions. Its just a part of my nature i guess.

Brazen Risk : and event that guarentees that there is a 100% chance that i will not come out clean.

Oh Mother!

2005-07-11T18:47:00.000+05:30

A very interesting conversation between me and me mom.

Of late the two ladies in my house (my mom and my sis) have been behaving like crazy idiots .. (but then women are crazy idiots at some point of time or the other; atlease perceptually) and i have not been shy in vocally emphasizing this point at any given oppurtunity.

There was a sort of conversation about life and everything else going on in the kitchen and my mom, through pure and simple reasoning, had completely rebuffed one of my higher notion on life and the universe (the point was actually so trivial that i promptly forgot what it was; out of a feeling of complete foolishness).

Seeing my glum expression she said:

"You're probably thinking that i am crazy aint you?"(in konkani)

and my prompt reply was

"Thats what i have been maintaining for the past two weeks"(in konkani again).

Now my mother is the sort of person who is used to get feel good replies from me. For example my answer to her question (mentioned above) would have under normal circumstances been a silly grin acknowledging my foolishness or a long eulogy about her food and how important a role it has played in my development as a human and how grateful I am to her.

It took a few moments for my answer to sink in. I expected all hell to break lose (Women especially moms i have noticed have a deep resentment to such answers).

One Two Three ......

Silence .... I looked up ...

Mom was actually grinning. A silly grin. A grin that did not acknowldge the fact that she was crazy rather the fact that i have been maintaing that she was crazy.

I had a lip smacking dinner. There have been no repercussions as yet.

Now I do believe that miracles could probably happen with mothers too.

Another lost cause ? I hope Not

2005-04-02T15:20:00.000+05:30

It has been long since i have posted anything .... though this period has not been devoid of thought and analysis the initial facination with my own blog and the purpose for which it was created has ebbed .......

Perhaps the fact that i work from 9 to 6 for my project is hindering the creativity that i wished to reignite in my somewhat boring life.

Of late i have been worrying about my technical skills ..... I am going to be an engineer soon I am going to be in a technical engineering job soon ... but where is it that i am heading. Clear visions of the future elude me .... maybe i am not trying hard enough to visualize the future.... but i most certanly do know that right now i am clueless again .....

I have topped the 7th semester exams ... but somehow i am not really elated or euphoric ..... a sense of dread has come over me ...... once again I have achieved something that was at the pinnacle of my wish list and that place is blank again.

I overwrked the critical thinking and analytical thinking components of my brain last week leading to a mini burnout ... surprisingly the recovery from the burnout has been rather quick .... within the week I have come out of it and my mind is sort of clearing .... Soon i will have another goal .... another plateau, enroute my ardrous climb to an elusive summit, to reach. I hope all my recoveries are like this in the future ....... and i never NEVER become complacent again .......

Great Teachers

2005-02-23T22:02:00.000+05:30

There are some peaople whom you regret not having known during their lifetime and a few days ago i read about one such person whom i wish i had known when he was alive.
Dr. HN educationist Gandhian idealist and most of all to my perception a simple humourist. Being a man of great importance there were a large number of tributes and obituaries about him in the papers. The common thread among all the articles was the undiluted admiration everyone had for his simplicity (he lived in a single small room) and good humoured. From these writings I gathere that here was a person who was really prepared for his death. He joked constantly about it and had completed all formalities that would have been required in case of the occurace of the event.
What do I have to learn from HN I have to learn the importance of rising up the ranks and yet retaining the simplicity that helps in maintaining the greatness that comes with the rise.
REading about his life i have realized why i respect teachers who are true educationists. I have come across many teachers who are technically brilliant but have no inkling of the meaning of the word education. I dont expect a long pedantic moral lecture from a teacher of Data Communications but i do expect the teacher to impart knowledge in a manner that is to the best of her ability. I dont expect a teacher to spoon feed my knowledge but at the same time his efforts to make me see the solution in arcane jargons makes me wonder about this mans dedication to the task.
Teaching is a great responsibility. It is no joke. My thought on teaching part time have now been completely extinguished. A teacher cant do his subject and students justice unless he himself is convinced of what he is teaching and he has the conviction of thought that he can impart his knoledge effectively to others. i have not yet reached a level of knowkedge where I can say that I am capable of being a teacher. I need to remember that teaching is sacred and that is why good educationists are always revered.

after .. a long time

2005-02-20T02:00:00.000+05:30

Exams are done ....... Internship in place ( I am working at PMS! .... Philips Medical Systems) ....
Lotsa thoughts had to be put up here .... but i did not get a chance .... Finally I have a dedicated highspeed internet connection .... therefore hopefully i will update this place more often ....

here is one of my thoughtful typings just after the 7th sem exams

There are few sermons that i have listened to in its entirety during Sunday mass and fewer that impress me or make me see the fundamental truths of life and faith. Of late my quest has been to find the true meaning of faith. What is faith ? It is definately not something that is relative only to god. Faith seems to have a more deeper meaning to everybody in daily life. I implicitly have faith that I am going to get up every morning and brush my teeth. I have explicit faith that the decisios my parents have taken on my behalf have been for my own good. I implicitly have faith in GOD and God's plan for me (yeah it still has not changed to the agnostic). I have explicit faith in my close friends being there for me in my tough times. I have faith in the infinite goodness of man ..... and so on and so forth ... too many thoughts have rushed through my mind in terms of my faith.
So is faith a fundamental state of being. It is definately not innate. Faith is something that is acquired either by perception practice or by indoctrination. Faith is a persons measure of truth relative to his own perceptions.
MY FAITH DEFINES MY TRUTH.

2005-01-10T01:38:00.000+05:30

Nothing corrupts like power.....
With great power comes great responsibility ... its a blessing its a curse ....

Two very cliched statements and yet two of the most relevent statements in today's world vis a vis leadership.

I was just thinking about what is leadership and these were the first two thoughts that came to my mind.

In the early days (pre engineering) leadership to me was all about power. The power to hold sway on the proceedings and to be incharge. To impose my views on the formulation of any action in an absolute manner without any discussion. Now my views on leadership are much more muddled than before. Is leadership only about power or are there greater depths that i have not as yet explored. I see lots of leaders around me and the only thing that seems to satisfy them is the power that they hold by virtue of leadership and that is what made me think.....
One important conclusion that i have drawn is leadership has to be taken with a tacit understanding that i am willing to take on the responsibility that comes with it and not just cling on to the power that is part and parcel of it. If i am a leader then i am responsible for the use of my power for the common good and not for just my egotic self appeasement. I guess i am just stating the obvious once again ...but i need to remind myself continuously that i should believe in the fundamental tenets of good leadership that i have inferred from past experiences and this is one of them.

Thoughts on leadership raise lots of issues and questions that could be the topic of many blog entries .... but before anything else i have found an old piece of paper that has as its contents two of the most influential sermons i have heard in my life..... sometime next week i am going to put them down here with my own perspectives on them.

Sleep and a feeling of guilt that precious study ;) time is wasted on this exercise are the only constraints on my flow of thought ................

it works

2005-01-07T01:28:00.000+05:30

My previous post was reactionary.....

I reacted to something i felt very strongly about .....

and it yielded results ..... Anish M John 's Letter was published on Jan 5 2005

my reply was published in deccanherald on Jan 6th 2005....

This publish has made me realize that one does not have to compromise on something that he feels very strongly about. If you are partially right and your voice could make a difference and you dont raise it ... u are committing a crime. Being reactive in life is as important i am realizing as being proactive .... but then a true commentry on proactivity and reactivity would require a peaceful night to ponder upon.

Sleep and studies beckon me.

disgusted

2005-01-06T00:16:00.000+05:30

A letter to the editor in DH on Jan 5th 2005 regarding relief work and the tsunami :

IngratitudeSir, Indeed, it was very sad to come across the reality that whilst trying to start life from scrap, those affected by the tsunami have shown no qualms in making demands, thus hurting the sentiments of those who had spent time collecting used clothes and helping others get them distributed. The news reports that surfaced in many newspapers, about people demanding new clothes and not accepting the used ones, were very saddening. When so many have lost their lives, the demands being made by those who have been spared, who are not grateful for the magnanimity being shown by their fellow beings, would make many think twice, in the future, about being Good Samaritans.ANISH M JOHN, Kerala

and my reply :

Sir,
The recent tsunami that hit South Asia has left many homeless and penniless. It is heartening to note that many in our country have ome forward to donate voluntarily for the rehabilitation of the affected. However i was disgusted after reading the letter sent in by Mr. Anish M John (Jan 9th) regarding the ingratitude of the victims.
An old clothes collection drive was undertaken in my locality and the organisers were rueing the fact that the quality of the clothes recieved was pathetic. The victims are human beings who have lived dignified lives, they were not beggars. Is the action of distributing worn out old clothes to dignified people who have lost everything in an undignified manner justified ?
Here I would like to mention the good work done by a mechant and shown on a prominent news chanel. Instead of blindly donating clothes and money in aid of the victims a certain merchant visited the affected areas and found out the real needs of the people. He returned to distribute a truckload of steel utensils. His actions were truly appreciated. True charity is that which is done without any expectation of gratitude.Does Mr. Anish expect the penniless victims of the tsunami to be grateful for the clothes that they dont need ?

GOD upto now ...

2005-01-03T00:34:00.000+05:30

I have several questions about my beliefs in what i think is right. Primary among these things is my belief in the rightness of GOD and the morals that he brings about. What is morally right and is what is morally right good or bad ? Are the answers to these questions circumstantial or absolute ? Is there God and if there is GOD what is the meaning of GOD?

Today i want to post some of my earlier thoughts on GOD and the evolution of GOD as a real entity in my life in the early years.

As it is with every other kid I first learnt about GOD through my Parents and Grandparents ... who used to use the term 'Jezu' (konkani Jesus) to refer to the person who was the ultimate creator and judge. For many years i believed that GOD was the reason why man was good. It is because he feared GOD and his parents (who thought him about GOD and what is right and wrong in GOD's sight) that he chose to do right (whatever right was).

Somewhere towards the end of my high school I changed my views based on happenings at that time. To me GOD became the ultimate tool that man fell back on. He (yes to me GOD was male) was the person to whom all fortune and (more often) misfortune could be alluded to. He was a real being having no real existence but a place reserved in every mind (including the agnostic mind). The more predominant view is that of the ultimate person on whom man banked upon in the most hopeless and desperate of all situations. It seems to me that i had come to the dooctrine of "First Cause" indirectly with my line of thought.

That view of God stayed on till recently. One of the first belief of mine that i questioned is that of my belif in GOD(a belief i still hold very firmly as RIGHT) and the church(which has significantly diminished since). I am still reading and pondering on the knowledge that i am assimilating about GOD both from the believing camps of all religions and the camp of men and women who are truly agnostic i.e those who know what GOD is supposed to be and yet do not agree with the concept of GOD.

My quest continues and i will keep adding to this journal of mine thoughts and revelations that i find necessarily important in my final formulation of the role of GOD and the church in my life.
... Sleep takes its toll again...........

Blog Journal ?

2005-01-03T00:33:00.000+05:30

This blog is mine. This blog is primarily for me. I think it is like an open journal. It is supposed to be my private journal but i write it online - a place where privacy loses its dictionary meaning.
Then why do i write at a place like this is one of the questions i am bound to ask myself sometime in the future. Why maintain a personal journal in a public domain. I think at this point of time i do have an answer.

I am not big and famous enough to fear the fact that my journal will be read by others. I might tell a few of my friends of this but i honestly dont think that they really will check this place out and read all the stuff that i put up ... that is if they really visit this place. The loss of privacy is something that the famous and infamous have to fear .... not insignificant mortals like me. And if someone does read this they would probably find nothing out of the ordinary.
It has been more than three years since i have done some serious thinking about life and what it holds for me. A statement made by my father changed that. "Right is relative" ..just three words thought me a big lesson.

It made me question my life and whether all i have done upto now is right in the absolute sense.The profound depth of my father's statement struck me.
In the future suppose i lose my way i want to read this and remind myself what it is that i had envisioned for myself I need a place of permenant storage that does not require a password (cause passwords are always forgotten) to store my thoughts.

Late night typing is taking its toll on this entry but I hope it is sufficient enough to convince me in the future that this blog is for me and started with a selfish purpose.

Remind myself

2004-12-30T00:25:00.000+05:30

I believe i have analyzed a lot of the happenings in my life. But not to the extent that i have been able to predict optimal solutions to the critical decision points i have encountered. An hence the decisions made I assume have to have some optimality .... optimal stepping stones in the shaping of my destiny ..... whatever that is .....

Thinking deep is an art that needs to be practiced. Yes i called it and art and i said it requires practice. Both are essential attributes. I need to practice thinking deep .... not allowing my final conclusions to diverge ..... rather to converge to a solution or a single new thought to be pondered upon.

I need to read a lot again . I need newer perspectives on life , relationships , love , family , GOD and destiny.

I REMIND MYSELF TO READ and i shall keep reminiding myself till i finish my 7th sem exams

A thought on blogging

2004-12-30T00:04:00.000+05:30

A thought just occured and materialized ....... So here i am a proselyte blogger ....

I have some questions on life particularly my life ... to which the answers are not really forthcoming .

Thoughts and analysis come in bursts of brutal fury and then they are forgotten lost in the mundane quagmire of my life, leaving behind nothing but debris of faint rememberences.

Well that statement is a case of the fury i refer to.

My life , its purpose and its destiny i believe are already decided .... just why and by whom and what are the observations that i make in attempting to get to that destiny is what i am trying to analyse other than ofcource the most obvious truth i seek - my destiny.

This blog is not for anybody else but me.

I am reminded of Smith in GO's 1984 . He starts writing a diary -a practice banned by the autocratic party that practices IngSoc - for what he claims to be future generations , whereas in reality it was to remind himself of his own convictions and thoughts that were upto that point of time completely in the hands of the Thought POlice.

Thankfully i do not live in such an environment of censorship and I use this medium of the Internet for myself, to remind me of the fundamental truths that i realize along the path that my life moves.

THIS IS A DEDICATION TO ME.