Phew ... I am recuperating from a fever after more than a year of good health!!!
I guess it was expected ... the stress and excitement of the past few months. The stress of managing relationships (not necessarily painful! happy relationships could also cause stress!!!!) and professional commitments, the excitement of knowing that i am entering the most critical phase of my career with an admit in the PGSEM course at IIMB.
Or perhaps the cause is just my foolish attitude to stay on at the IIM campus, not sleep till the early hours of morn and get drenched in the first monsoon showers without a care in the world ... Damn it, tis a don't care, what matters is that I managed to get a good two and a half days of rest and sleep, something that my body needed real bad.
Professionally i find my work as fulfilling as it was, everyday presents a new opportunity for me to expand my horizons, learn new things and influence people around me. Given the context of my professional life, the PGSEM course at IIMB should fit in with ease. Volunteer work continues to keep my mind sharp; my continuing association with Janaagraha on CAP and WISA programs, and the start of a new season with the TI India Foundation on the Jack Kilby science and technology quiz 2008 - things that i look forward to.
As always a fever brings about a period of uncontrolled thoughts, the mind races along vectors that the conscious would otherwise normally mask. A lot of thoughts crossed my mind about the women i have loved, the women who have loved me, and the expectations i have had from them and myself in the context of the relationship we have shared; expectations that are fulfilled and unfulfilled. Thoughts of whether i am truly happy, truly sad or just pretending to be both and feeling neither...
I have come to accept the fact that the root cause of unhappiness in relationships are unfulfilled expectations. From my personal experiences i have realized, what makes me unhappy, angry and frustrated is all those expectations that I have had (probably have!) that were never fulfilled. Instead of focusing on what made me happy in the relationship, i focus on what made me sad, angry and frustrated.
Not anymore, no more expectations of any kind in a relationship. I am happy living the way i want to live without setting up these expectations. The only reason i should be unhappy is if i don't live up to expectations that I set for myself. Looking back at my life and relationships I have shared, I think in every relationship of mine I have met or exceeded the expectations that i have set of me! I should be overjoyed! And yet there is something fundamentally wrong in living only by my expectations. What if the other person is totally unhappy inspite of no wrong doing on my part?
Hmmm ... relationships are complex things, I am setting a new metric to measure my happiness and satisfaction in a relationship. As long as I make the other person happy in every way possible to the best of my ability I will consider my part in the relationship to be consummated. To this end i will give without expecting anything in return.
I feel at peace with myself, a long period of thinking has culminated in this new direction that i set for myself, whether it is right or flawed, only time will tell!
For now it seems to be the path that has kept me happy in the recent past. I have been truly happy for most part of the last four weeks! I intend to be happy, happier, happiest (if possible) and spread the joy ... to quote St. Francis of Assisi ... "For it is in giving that we receive ..."
